Agitprop Bart

This is Why I Don't Date

2007-03-26T22:26:00.000-04:00

Frankly, it's because of people like this: So I meet this guy online and we're both into each other. Similar interests, attractive to one another, etc. I suggest lunch since he lives right near my job. So we meet. He actually says "you're cute, good." Fine with me. I'm all for displays of relief. I'm extremely atttracted to him. When we leave we have serious flirtation and I say (old fashioned me) "Can I call you." He says yes, I would really like that, etc., etc. So I text him that night and he texts me back (who's this?) I text him who I am and he's happy. I email him and tell him I was jacking off thinking of all the things I want to do to him. He says "like what?" so I tell him. Then three weeks ago (about a week after we met) I tell him I want to see him. He tells me he's at his friend's apartment who's away and the person is getting cable put in, etc. OK. Fine. Then I go to Phillie and email him when I get back. No answer. So I wait a week and email him again, casual. Then a day or two later I notice him on a chat site...so I write him and say all friendly like: Hey, I'm beginning to feel like "you're just not that into me" which is cool I'm a big boy can handle rejection :-) I'm starting to feel like a schmuck sending you unanswered emails." He write back and says "Hey, you are not a schmuck and I am at my parents in ??? (some cold state)" Hardly a ringing endorsement. Why can't he just come out and say it? This is why I prefer sex to conversation with my partners...the more I know you the less I like you.

Lunch Date

2007-02-28T21:40:00.000-05:00

I had one today. We got along well. I got a total hard on walking with him and on and off through lunch. He has blue eyes that are like fucking aqua. Amazing. Just my type. 5 8, muscly but not too much, great smile, and skin like a baby's ass. Nice forearms too. We are so gonna fuck soon.

New Guy

2007-02-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

OK, there's this guy in my gym and I swear to God I swoon. The best part is he is so my type that he is nobody's type but mine. He's really short. I mean like 5 5 short. Maybe 5 6. He's got a great body but not freakish. He's all shoulders and back and chest and bis. He's got a face like guinea pugilist. Nice thick brown hair. Hairy calves. Age is hard to tell? 25? 27? 30? I dunno, but the thing is he's checking me out but I dunno whether he's checking me out to check out the competition and my own development (the way lifters do) or if he's checking me out. Whatever. I wanna sticky my tongue so far up his ass it comes out his throat. Guy gets me seriously hard. I dunno. It that short and stocky thing. I just want him.

Also, I have a date this week. Another guy who's 5 8 and 180? Should be interesting.
Who else? Last week I ran into another cute guy from my gym who had disappeared. Turns out he works on Saturday. We exchanged digits. Plus I saw my work-gym guy this week. He's getting bigger. Looks good. That same day I saw this guy working out. Too handsome for me. Greek/Ital/Latin? AOTA? I dunno. I saw him and the locker room and madon, this guy had an ass I could gotten lost in and a nice thick piece just hanging there waiting. I went and took a leak and came back and he was still naked. Maybe he was dryin, lol. I dunno. That ass, I seriously wanted to bury my face in it. But I'll focus on my little guy for now. Damn, I want him bad.

Worst Professions

2007-02-24T23:04:00.000-05:00

These are the people I hate dealing with:

1) Contractors
2) Attorneys
3) RE Brokers
4) Stock Brokers
5) Medical assistants/adminstrators
6) MTA Booth Employees
7) Airline Employees
8) Car salesperson
9) Eyewear salesperson
10) Gym salesperson

Britney is Judy Garland

2007-02-24T23:02:00.000-05:00

Totally, Child star thing, etc. But Britney is what, 23? And I think Judy Garland died when she was 47. And the other difference is that Judy Garland had a really good voice and was a decent actress. Fuck it. I'm wrong. There are no parallels...

Vintage Local Commercials

2007-02-24T22:57:00.000-05:00

Ths morning I was reminiscing about these local NYC commercials that used to be on 5, 9 and 11 for years:
Ooh Diane!-Hair Salon
Ritz Thrifsthop-"Why thank you!"
Marriots Essex House-We walked and talked and laughed like lovers
Bide-a-Wee Home-with the shots of the old lady who couldn't get up the stairs any more with her dog in her depressing walk-up and the family that moved and could not take the dog--Most depressing commercial ever
Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge-With the heart shaped tub
Polevetzian Dance #2-The classical music commercial that was on for, like, a decade

Sick of Technology

2007-02-21T22:14:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of fucking passwords. I'm sick of my fucking computer not remembering my passwords. I'm sick of Blogger fucking me up. I have a very short fantasy of being 17 and in my room. Just for one night. Preferable a Saturday night and I am going out and getting very high and drinking and can sleep as late as I want the next day.

I have a speaking engagement tomorrow and have barely practiced and it is a new one so it will not come easily.

I had a thought today that eventually MySpace is going to be filled with the pages of a lot of dead people because I don't think they inactivate your account. That's kind of weird. Hypothetically there can come a time where there will be more MyDeadSpace pages than live because of course there will always be more dead people than living...

40 is the new 25

2007-02-13T22:08:00.000-05:00

Don't cha think? I swear to God with the exception of being closer to death, I can't think of one reason I'd want to trade out where I am now for 25. I'm smarter, better looking and 1000x happier than I was when I was 25. Plus I'd have to be constantly texting with friends, have a tedious MySpace page, and wonder if my elaborate video resume with me lip synching to Scissor Sisters would end up on YouTube...The only thing worse than being 25 would be 24.

#4

2007-02-12T22:22:00.000-05:00

My brother got married to a 6 foot tall 22 year old knockout named Galiana. She does not speak English. I'm not even sure if she speaks Russian. She is quite provincial. I give the marriage 18 months-2 years. That long because they are not actually going to inhabit the same country until her son's school lets out over the summer...

Greece, Rome, British Empire and US

2007-02-12T22:14:00.000-05:00

After 9/11 I floated this theory around about how all great civilizations must come to an end. I posited that the US might be one of them. Things don't last forever. That was actually my theory on why Cheney got us into the war. Colonize middle east and buy the U.S. another 100 years or more. Anyway, my theory was panned by the jingoistic who didn't hear me say "Do you think the British Empire knoew it was in its swan song? Rome? Why do you think we're so much better? Because we don't execute people or have slaves?. Anyway, happily, Kurt Andersen has a good piece in last week's NY Mag which touches on this very subject. He also says that one of the reasons we could be in denial about this is because we still own silly pop culture globally and that is a smokescreen of sorts. Frightening, isn't it? While China and India are moving right along, we are lulled into a false sens of security by the amount of money a photograph of Britney's bare twat fetches on the open market and the long lines for a chance to audition for American Idol.

The Police

2007-02-12T22:06:00.000-05:00

I liked seeing The Police on the grammys. And Prince on the Superbowl. Maybe aging isn't so bad after all? Times are different today. With videos and pop culture and zillions of channels shows/songs/groups never fade away. Kids can have the same references as their parents. In the 70s there was nothing creepier to me than 50s music. Happy Days was a fun show except for the music. Somehow, I think it's different today. Kids can't embrace 80s music because you get emotional attachments to music you first heard as a kid/teen/20s but I doubt they think it's creepy. But I loved the Police. And Stewart C. Cute. I still listen to DSSCTM and Can't stand losing you on my ipod. I remember in 8th grade my friend reinventing me and telling me I needed "to wear baseball jerseys and listen to The Police." I went to their big concert in '83 and my friend's little sister got her first period there. Can you imagine? Joan Jett opened for the police and REM opened for Joan Jett. Nobody listene. We called REM rem. I was so high I imagine. Loved the police.

Orlando

2007-02-12T22:00:00.000-05:00

I just got back from Orlando for work. Orlando is awful. There is nothing to do, no where to eat except the fancy versions of Red Lobster and Bennigans, there is shitty ground transport and everything closes down at 10 or 11. I hated it and my hotel was unpleasant. Not to mention flying two hours takes three times as long and unbearable aggravation. Plus my feet are killing me from running around a trade show for days. Oh and guys in Orlando suck, too. They all have cars and I'm in a hotel yet they still have the lazy "no, you come here" attitude. You want to suck me so bad, you come to my hotel asshole. So much for that famous central florida hospitality. Oh wait. It's that famous central florida meth, that's right.

Mom

2007-01-31T23:03:00.000-05:00

I was speaking to my mother on Sunday, as usual. I was going to tell her I would stop by for dinner and to visit on Wednesday or Thursday. But she sounded depressed and about 1/3 of the way into the call she told me my brother got married on Saturday. Neither onw of us can remember if it was 3 or 4. #2 may have never been legal. Whatever. It's a non-event to me. I'm not close to him and he lives in Eastern Europe and he has been back here once in the last 10 years.

But my mother was carrying on as she does not approve and it was no win for me because I could not critcize my brother or risk her wrath nor could I commend him because it would seem hollow. I decided not to visit this week. My mother is obsessed with my brother, like Miss Ellie was with Gary.

In the summer when she was in her K-Hole of depression she lashed out at me and said something like "can't you have some compassion for him, you have so much!" She said it in such a nasty resentful manner. I just kept calm even though it is absurd: I don't have so much and at the time she said that to me I had just stood up after 5 years of utter financial instability. But Sunday I thought about that again and thought back to 1990 when I was living in squalor and she offered to come look at new apartments with me. There was this really great place I really wanted but all she kept saying was "this would be great for your brother and Kim." It's like A) we're looking for me and B) This would be great for her. She never got that my brother does what he wants to do and will not fit into her idea of what he should do. Anyway, she ceases having any interest in me when she gets like this. I told her about how I went to this chichi event and met famous people (that she heard of) and all I got was a dull "that's nice."

Trying too hard to look like he doesn't try hard

2007-01-26T11:02:00.000-05:00

This just in from the school of disaffected glances(I stole the following from someone's profile on a personal ad and can't help being a cunt)

Likes
Strong personalities LIKE YOUR OWN, WE MUST SUPPOSE?
Plutarch's "Philosophum non facit barba"(The beard does not define a philosopher)YOU HAD ME UNTIL THE TRANSLATION
Fine arts WHAT ABOUT GRAPHIC ART. OR DARK ARTS. OR DOMESTIC ARTS.
"Ithaca" by Constantine P.Cavafy THE SAFETY SCHOOL?
Simplicity BECAUSE COMPLEXITY IS JUST SO...COMPLEX
Short hair BECAUSE LONG HAIR IS JUST SO...COMPLEX
Summer WHY NOT A SIMPLE, SHORT-HAIRED SUMMER?
Knowledge IGNORANCE IS SO LAST YEAR
Jeans PREFERABLY VINTAGE RED STITCH LEVIS BUT WHATEVER
Antique furniture NOT VERY SIMPLISTIC
Audrey Beardsley's art AUDREY ROPER'S CAFTAN
Pepsi IT ALWAYS COMES DOWN TO PEPSI V COKE, DOESN'T IT?
Hieronymus Bosch BOSCH DISHWASHERS
Black cats CATS ARE A BIT SISSY, NO?
Large coffee tables PREFERABLY LARGE ANTIQUE COFFEE TABLES
Men in casual clothes IS A JUMPSUIT CASUAL?
Aqua-colored objects YOU MUST BE HARD TO SHOP FOR
Bookstores AMAZON IS FOR THE GREAT UNWASHED
Mies van der Rohe's "Less is more" motto SUCH A COMPLEX NAME FOR SUCH SIMPLICITY
Feminine women BOY THE WAY GLEN MILLER PLAYED
Masculine men SONGS THAT MADE THE HIT PARADE
My new house WAS THE OLD ONE SO BAD?
"Shamanism: Archaic Techniques of Ecstasy" by Mircea Eliade IS THAT LIKE THE ZIPLESS FUCK?

Dislikes:

Cynical,negative people DON'T BE A HATER
Watches PUNCTUALITY MUST BE UNCOOL
"To do" lists DITTO ORGANIZATION
Mondays SURPRISINGLUY PEDESTRIAN
Gay events(sorry guys) I LOVE THE APOLOGY HERE
Long flights DOES ANYONE?
Stupidity DITTO
TV AW CMON, EVEN PBS?
Trends AS IN "LOW WAIST JEANS" OR "EL NINO?"
Drugs RECREATIONAL OR CLINICAL?
Stereotypes ONE MAN'S STEREOTYPE IS ANOTHER'S ARCHETYPE

Bio

2007-01-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

I had to write this bio of myself for something creative that I'm doing as a sidebar. Non-work related. I did not want to write a normal bio/CV. I tried to get down the essence of me but of course it is hard. I guess the hard thing for me is to express that I am cool without saying I am cool because that is very uncool :-) Kind of like the personals where they say "VGL." I guess the only thing worse than "VGL" is "I've been told I'm good looking." That is so wrong on so many levels. First" You want to tell everyone you're good looking but don't want to come across as arrogant so you use the third party endorsement but nobody knows your thrid party so who cares? And you want to be all blase about it but if you really were blase you wouldn't say anything. I'll take the straight up self-described VGL any day.

Anyway. Me. So it's hard because I am cool but I mean relaxed as opposed to trendy, and non-judgemental. I have an incredible ego except I try to hide it because I know it is obnoxious. And I would do anything for the downtrodden and victimized. I have hero fantasies :-) But my monster evil ego comes out when I see injustice and I need to read someone. Case in point: yesterday this woman very uncooly really pushed me at teh subway door because I was not going on fast enough (there were still people leaving.) Of course I am like a boulder so pushing me will not really work. I looked at her and said "what's your problem?" But it was low and maybe she did not hear so when we're getting on she looks at me like I'm nuts and says all sing-songy "Excuse me" and she starts to go for the last empty seat but I'm ahead of her so I sit in it even though I never sit on the train. And she's annoyed.

Then, Karma enters. This distressed lady with like a 4 month old gets on and is holding onto the pole so I get up and say to her would you like to sit and she is so grateful (she even says thanks to me when she gets off like a million stops later.) But my favorite part is when I get up and give this lady my seat I make eye contact with Miss "Excuse Me" and give her a really fake kind of fuck you smile.

See, the world evened out just then because nobody else would have given that woman a seat, certainly not Miss Excuse Me.

So, yes, I take my subway shit a little too seriously, I know. But without further pomp, here's my bio:

Bart was born in Brooklyn and got as far as Manhattan and Westchester County before rounding back again.

He has been a club kid, a coke head, a retail salesperson, a real estate broker, a dot-com entrepreneur, a gym-junkie and many other things. Today he works in marketing for non-profits.

He has known a lot of people. So many so that he can’t read the newspaper without seeing the name of someone he knows. He rarely loses touch with someone and if he does, he doesn’t hesitate to get back in touch with them no matter how much time has gone by. He thanks the Internet for making that possible.

He always liked music and movies and books. The first band he saw live was Santana. His father took him to see Carrie when he was in third grade, after which he was the only kid in his class with a favorite director. He thinks that 90% of movies today are unwatchable. His father had 20,000 books when he was growing up. You could go to his library and learn about anything.

Bart loves people but hates ignorance. He hates when the weak are exploited and thinks he would intervene if someone was being pushed around.

He’s physically very strong. One of the best things about getting older is being invisible to teenagers; one of the worst is losing physical strength. He’s not afraid to die but he wishes he could live to experience all of the technology that’s sure to come this century.

He loves to learn new things. He wishes he spoke a foreign language fluently. He’d rather read about a place than visit it.

He has a healthy ego but he’s not arrogant-except when he’s with someone who’s asking for it.

Bart loves dogs and cats but he no longer has a pet-he could never go through the loss again.

He likes to play with children and thinks he would make a good father but he recognizes the extent of his selfishness and does not think it would be a good idea.

He hates predictability but it’s so hard to be original when almost everything has been done before.

He loves to write but he’s not looking for money or fame, there are more surefire paths to those.

He’s not an asshole though he can sound like one on paper.

This week.

2007-01-23T23:08:00.000-05:00

I am seeing my old boss tomorrow for coffee as she is in the city. I have not seen her in 2 years and she is in for a meeting and invites me and I agree and then she tells me she has half an hour. Cunt. She cannot even take an earlier train in? Meanwhile, I leave my job nearly every day to go on an "appointment" (AKA the gym) and she is cutting into my gym time. All she's gonna do is bitch about her psycho son anyway. I used to think she was the smartest businessperson I knew. Now I have surpassed her and think back on all these meetings she lead where she wasted 20 minutes playing the name game with potential clients trying to establish her tech cred. What a waste of time. The more meetings I go on the more I realize: just listen and respond appropriately, ask questions, stroke their egos, don't be afraid to say something risky, and just go in there wanting to learn something. My old boss is kind of like my parents. Speaking of which they are certifiably insane. My mother now asks me every time I see her if I "drink milk." And my father asks me every time I see him (for the last 10 years) if I get the NY Times delivered.

I'm taking Friday off. I never take days off. I am psyched. I have a client's thousand buck a plate gala to go to Thursday and I am going as a guest and taking two guests gratis then taking a car service home.

I went to Artisanal with three friends the other night. It was fine. The server kind of sucked. It was so dark and the menu was so tiny I swear to God I needed that old people magnifying light like on TV. I ate an entire Fondue (serves 1-3 people thanks)but the fish soup was rather ghastly. I was not that impressed. And there were these people next to me that were acting like me in 1986 if I got into Nells: we're so cool to be here. Uh, it's a restaurant.

I'm feeling jejune, post-post, above it all. I just want to nest. I'm ordering a new Baker chair Friday. And I am harassing ABC for carpet samples. For the stairs. They are grim. I got a new rug for the bedroom as well. I'm not wealthy but I play a wealthy person on Television. My contractor has 5gs of mine though and is not returning my call. For new windows. Marvin. The best. But in the front only for now. Can't be extravagant.

God, I have not had a drink or a pill yet this year. And it's almost February. Maybe Friday on my day off.

Hard Drive

2007-01-23T23:05:00.000-05:00

For the second time in a year, everything on my hard drive was wiped out. It is incredibly tedious. All these stupid fucking passwords that have to be re-entered and of course I can't remember them so have to wait for some email. And the bullshit with iPod. Apple will not allow you to populate iTunes from iPod sothe only choice you have is to lose all your music or search fro some dubious shareware to "force" the tunes off ipod and onto iTunes. I scanned all this shit too over the last few months and all of that is gone. Anyway, I am pissed.

Orlando

2007-01-08T22:43:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not even going to write about the holiday season except to say I'm glad it's over. I cannot take the pressure, the dates, the expectations, having to buy people presents, having to buy myself presents. I just like time. Flowing time. Seasons. Holidays are fine but I can do without the inflatables.

So, I have to go to Orlando to this trade show soon. I do not want to go. Because it is futile. Unless you have a booth/are an exhibitor trade shows are no way to get business. This trade show issue is everything that is wrong with my boss. He thinks they work and I actually said to him, "Have you ever gottany any business from trade shows?" And after rambling for a while, the bottom line was "no." But it's his deal so I have to go. I am dreading it. I hate Orlando. At least I hate the concept of Orlando. Orlando is kind of like Christmas to me. Mass. Lost its original value. Commerce driven yet hiding behind some cheap family warmth.

How am I? Work is fine. Save Orlando. I am on a roll. Bed early wake early. I'd like to lose a few pounds. I feel the first Christmas weight gain I've had in years. I suppose it's because it's the first Xmas season I have not been working out 7 days a week since 2000. C'est la vie. My friend moved to Sullivan and Prince from Harlem. She is so happy. She said "everyone is either wealthy or works from home in an interesting job and lives in a great space." It made me wistful for all of the above. Food shopping in SoHo at 11AM on a Tuesday morning wearing my Todd's loafers and my ghetto fabulous Gucci belt on my low cut Helmut Lang 31" jeans as I chatted with the sales boy in Burberry and pet some Brazilan's Havanese. Maybe again. Not. Never again. I will never be 34 with 4% bodyfat and not a care in the world again. And I knew it at the time and enjoyed it for the most part. I was shallow but I was recovering from PTSD and that was what I needed. To think, I did not have one drink or drug in all of 2002 and 2003. No wonder my skin looked so good.

Anyway, I'm sounding like the asshole's I revile. The girls I work with who buy $140 face cream and read Star Magazine. Why do so many people want to be famous? I think it's like Zeus and Hera and all that. I think people are unhappy and just think that that kind of life means happiness. More people should read.

Anyway, that's my brain dump of the night. I'm back. I'm here I'm queer get used to it.

More train tales

2006-12-15T23:34:00.000-05:00

Short and not-so-sweet

Serious frottage alert. I was on one of the most crowded 6 trains ever Thursday night. It was so bad that this shorter guy was right in front of me and I was right behind him. Now, the train motion always gets me horny but every time we shifted this guy bumped his ass against my cock and soon enough I had a big hard-on. I kinda freaked out like a straight guy because I couldn't really tell if he was doing it on purpose or not and I liked it but didn't want to like it too much in case it was not deliberate. But how could he be leaning back and not feel my hard stuff on his ass? Whatever. I did not feel like dealing so, again, like a straight man, once it emptied a bit I moved away. Whatever. It was a doomed scenario, regardless. When all you could hope for is possibly coming in your pants, move on.

Train Girl

2006-12-15T23:22:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was riding the train home when I picked up on some guy and girl having some conversation behind me. When she sat down I saw half her face and recognized her. It was this girl who was a trainer at my gym 2 gyms ago. I probably last saw her 2 1/2 years ago. It was so weird because I am good at names but not good at faces and she was so peripheral in my life as to almost not even exist. I remember being introduced to her in a polite way by another trainer I knew well. She was kind of dismissive which so many people in sales, are which is so pathetic. But I do remember observing her because she had that way of being loud that the insecure/those craving attention have and she still had it on the train. I remember watching her a few years ago start a convo with a black male trainer about how mad she was she lost her 50 Cent CD and a light bulb going off in my head: she doesn't give a shit about fitty, she just wants to let this guy know she wants him to fuck her, it's code, that's what she's about. Then I remember thinking she was getting fat but it turned out she was pregnant and I heard one of the trainers knocked her up but she was all happy about it.

So here she was on the train still loud, carrying bags of toys home "for her son," and talking about training and splits and commission and cuts and someone 37 being really old and I'm surprised she didn't use the term "baby daddy" but maybe she knew better. She had no idea who I was which was fine but it was weird being inches away from someone whom I knew so much about and she had no idea.

Dry Clean

2006-12-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

So, I wore this shirt on Thanksgiving. Then I took it to my shirt-place. I went ot pick up my shirts a week later and the Thanksgiving shirt was MIA. Over the last 3 weeks I have been repeatedly told that the shirt is at another store, that it will be delivered, etc. Never happens. Today I spoke to some owner manager who told me to come by at 6. No shirt. I lost it, but in my deliberate way because I cannot get a straight answer from anyone. If it's lost, let's move on, if it's not, what's the problem. Anyway, this woman works there was giving me this whole run-around and I finally just ended up screaming at her in a realy controlled manner, if that makes any sense. I told her: YOU NEEDTO FIND OUT NOW WHERE THE SHIRT IS OTHERWISE GIVE ME $85. This is the same woman that told me she was "really busy" when she first lost it. I never see anybody in that place. It's like a ghost town. She has Chinese radio on all the time which is amusing because you hear commercials all in Mandarin until you here "Fed Ex" or "Pepsi." But I was not amused. Supposedly the shirt will appear tomorrow eve...

Xmas Party

2006-12-09T22:28:00.000-05:00

So I've been totally consumed by work since Thanksgiving. It's as if every client all of a sudden has money to burn, everyone wants a proposal, it's very annoying. Most annoying is this huge government bid which I do not want to do which somehow my boss has decided he wants to do/does not want to do/wants to do/does not want to do, now wants to do again. Officially. This sucks because it is going to eat me alive. I asked my in-name only boss for the week between Xmas and New Yrs off and he said let me get back to you, which means no.

But all this bitching aside, now that I have been here for about 9 months I am happy to say it sia great fit. I love the CEO of my company, I really do. We had an Xmas party Friday and I ended sitting up next to him and when we did the whole lame secret santa thing it turned out he got me and I got him which was so weird in itself but also weird because we more or less got each other the same gift. He also wrote on my card "To Bart, of wit and wisdom." So, I like that he cared enough to write something like that (and he clearly knows me fairly well--my ego speaks with and wisdom) and I feel like getting some insight into what goes on in his mind is good. I've said it before I'll say it again---I will have the opportunity to run this company some day which is so fucked up.

Other news? The future CEO here scared one of the admin people (I think I scared her) because she was talking about how she had 37 (of 40) Vicodin languishing in her med cabinet because she did not need it (?????) or like it (??????) from when she ahd he hand surgery so I casually offered to buy it. She seemed a little freaked. Kids today. I really hope she comes ot her senses.

My friend Xtina wrote me a text message of typical nature: "I brought home an Egyptian last night! Did you ever (sleep with an Egyptian)?"

I realized today that I have a whole basement that can be redone and the possibilities left me dizzy. Of course the Colombian woman who cuts my hair and is also a Queens slum lord shamed me into renting my basement (lie) so she thinks or else she would ask me every time I had my hair cut and cluck when I said no.

Anyway, I am tired. I have been working out like crazy. Not cardio. I'm going through this strength he-man barrel chest lift a car phase these days. It's fun. I am now up to about 183 which is wild. But it makes me exhausted and hungry.

Last Week, This Week, Next Week

2006-11-27T22:45:00.000-05:00

Last week was so busy at work plus I had Thanksgiving at my house and had to make a bloody agenda for cooking etc. I am exhausted. I don't feel like writing but a few bon mots...

1) There is a new lad in my gym who I am all chatty with now. I used to think it was so hard to pick up people when I was younger. Now I know it is very easy. You just start talking. It is so much better than standing there aloof and looking cool. Anyway, I don't know what I wanna do with him yet.

2) My other gym boy came running over to after he saw me chatting this new one up. Shook my hand hello in this butch borough greeting that goes on here. I don't know what I want to do with him, either.

3) I am entering one of those phases where I just want to work all the time. Just stay there far too late and get there far too early. I can only assume it is addictive behavior again.

4) I remain unhealthily envious of this chick at work. Today the CEO took her to lunch. Why? Why??

5) I need someone to talk to work-stuff about. Not family because they don't get it. Not work people, of course. Most of my friends are just not interested. I need like a work-support group.

6) I'm feeling a tad unhinged these days. Very bi-polar. Sometimes I feel like I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, sometimes like I am about to get fired.

7) This young guy I had one night with when he was 22 (he is 25 now) and we remained friends is coming to NYC the weekend of the 15th. I told him I would be in South America. I can't deal with him. He is very sweet and funny and cute but I did not like the sex with him. He was good and energetic and into it and I would call him a masculine bottom, but he is such a bottom, no ifs ands or buts (hehe) about it. All I want is for him to be with someone who loves him. He likes me and makes believe he doesn't and I know if we went out it would happen again so it's better this way.

Anyway, there's probably more but I need to go to bed...

Ready to be a father?

2006-11-27T22:42:00.000-05:00

Havanese Puppy

Or maybe a pet owner. I'm in love with this dog but don't know if I can handle the responsibility, the poop on the rug and the inevitable heartbreak in 15 years...but if I do, this is the dog I want.

Drama Queen

2006-11-14T22:45:00.000-05:00

Apparently, that is me. Got myself in a complete lather last night and this morning over nada. But at least I was prepared. There were no Macchiavellian machinations at work, just the typical ineptitude and miscommunications. Oh well. Maybe I just did not get enough praise as a child.

Culture of Secrecy

2006-11-13T22:59:00.000-05:00

It exists at my job. Lots of closed doors and hushed activity. It is alright when I am behind the door but not when I am outside.

Anyway, I am an expert at reading behavior and tomorrow there is a meeting that I am concerned about. It is being called by this girl who is parallel to me but who is calling it because my boss asked her to no doubt because his boss (CEO) asked him to. I am concerned it is going to be something like: Bart, you are reporting to Sara now. This makes no sense for about 250 reasons. Sara is basically a traffic manager, a collector of reports, a nudger. Yet the CEO adores her. It is a strange environment where someone who nudges efficiently is respected more than someone who has brilliant (and profitable) ideas. Yes, that would be me.

Now, I could be wrong and I hope I am, because if I am right I am going to very calmly say why I am unhappy with this set up. I hope I'm wrong because I like it here and want to be appreciated but if something like this happens it clearly illustrates that I have no future here.

I can't wait to read my blog tomorrow...

Schadenfraude!

2006-11-13T22:47:00.000-05:00

So, I need to remember that if you wait long enough, karma will catch up with you.

There was this guy I was in love with/went out with/had first boy-boy sex with in high school. Long horrible story and I've written about it somewhere here before. Anyway, although it has been decades since our painful breakup and he should have nothing to do with me, for some reason he always seems to end up a few people away from me. It's a demi-monde thing, you know, like the people who all have jobs in media or wall street, you can ever really escap people. But still. I hear 2 1/2 yrs ago that he is living with/buying an apartment with a guy I kind of know but the guy is best friends with someone in a group my best friend knows. I have partied with these people before. Too close for comfort. Plus, I'm jealous in some fucked up way---ya know, they're living some shallow gay life of coops and St. Bart's and Heidi Slimane. But still, I'm skeptical because as far as I know they are both bottoms. I mean my HS BF was such a bottom he used to stick tootpaste tubes up his ass. Well, I hear things once in a while such as how he's always asking about me. And I know he's not asking cause he pines for me, he's asking in a competitive way. In high school, he was the first and last person to ever ask me how much my father makes. Ew. Did not know then and still don't. He was incredulous. I have no doubt I have been googled by him.

Anyway---breaking news---literally---they broke up. My friend is getting the whole pathetic story. And me? I was kind of pleased to hear the news. I think I was pleased because somebody told me that this gruesome twosome was making fun of another girl we know who is unfabulous but very sincere and it is just so juvenile to talk about people like that.

Fan Letter

2006-11-06T22:34:00.000-05:00

When you are addictive, like me, you tend to do everything a little too much. Hence I could never buy 1 book, must buy 7. Could never buy one sweater, must buy 5. Because I appreciate all the colors, because they all look good on me, because I have such good taste---it's an ego-fest.

Anyway, the consequence of such actions is a lot of unread books and unworn clothes. Typically, they get purged every decade or so, but once in a while something pleasant happens:

1) Today I wore a John Smedley merino wool striped mock turtleneck that I bought at Barneys in----drumroll----1988. Yes. It's actually shocking that I bought something that tasteful back then because I had money and I had bad 80s taste. I still remember the acid green fucking phosphorescent blazer I was wearing to Palladium in 1985 and inexplicably Sally Randall let me in...

Anyway. Barneys. Smedley, Focus. It was too tight, too itchy, too clingy. I would put it on before going out and then yank it off.

But alas, I held onto it the way one holds onto things that were very expensive (I still have hope for these two incredible Versace knit shirts circa '88 that are a miracle of engineering--come to think of it, I bet they are worth a bundle since Gianni was offed) in the hopes that one day will see ROI.

Well, that day came. I put it on. It felt good. (I am no longer skeeved by wool --same with peach skin--no problem anymore.) Better yet it looked good. Nice and fitted across the chest but not West Hollywood fitted. Horizontal stripes, too. I looked like a fucking linebacker. So, I wore it to work and made the girlies swoon.

2) Now, the books. Different story. More of an investment of time. (Remember, I am going to die soon so I have begun to measure my activities in terms of their value --- would I rather be reading a so-so book, trolling the Internet for fresh ass or watching TV on Vico? The world is no longer a blank canvas...) I will often read 20 - 30 pages and then toss it down in disgust. Maybe write a scathing Amazon review if I'm feeling vindictive.

So, I looked through my library (yes, I have a library. A whole room just for books. Eat your heart out) the other night and came upon a title. I remember buying it 10 years ago, being less than pleased at the dearth of sex scenes, and calling it quits. But alas, I began to read it. It held my attention. It is called "Secret Life" by Michael Ryan and is a memoir written BITD when the market was not flooded with such tomes. It is about his molestation and sexual addiction and he is a very good writer and very humorous. I love that he spends an enormous amount of time writing about the so very awkward years of 10-15. I can so relate. Being a bit pudgy and very young but very horny and smart and just craving to be older. Ryan writes about the absurdity of himself at that age. Whatever. It touched me. So I wrote him a note and told him so. The kind of note I would like to get should I ever publish a book, simple: "Just wanted to thank you. I loved the book." Nothing creepy.

And would you believe he wrote back? Props to him. One good turn deserves another. I hope I made him happy. I don't need Oprah's (Uh, Bank America's) money to do something nice for someone. I do it every day.

Election Day Fantasy

2006-11-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

I was thinking this morning that the US is ripe for a few things...

1) November 2006 -- Dems take back congress and senate

2) 2007 --- A methodical plan for peace in a self-sustaining Iraq is put into play. Wages begin to catch up with economic growth.

3) 2008 --- Stock market flirts with 13,000. A democratic presidential candidate emerges from the mid-west, of all places. It is not Hillary or Barack. Dem takes white house.

4) 2009 ---- Sweeping initiatives are put into play to help divide the gap between the rich and the poor. Education reform. Alternative fuel. Health Care. The emerging leverage of the retired baby boomer. A growing economy.

5) 2010 ---- The Christian right becomes marginalized. All my relatives need to die as this year there is no estate tax (thought I'd sneak that in there--don't hate me because I'm beautiful.) The new boom years have begun...roughly 11 years after the bottom fell out last time...

Diary

2006-11-05T22:17:00.000-05:00

Page 1

Page 2

My father's little brother who he was extremely close to drank himself to death when he was 31, a couple of years before I was born. Ten years ago my father gave me my uncle's "Book." It was more like a diary in outline form, a memoir, an autobiography. It had a profound effect on me because I recognized myself in it: the drinking, the inability to stop, the compulsion, the insecurity. I considered it to be some kind of guidance from this dead uncle. I think he died about 4 weeks after the last "entry."

I re-read it for the first time in a decade last night and it is heartbreaking. He begins as this optimistic, charming kid but it turns into this spiral of women, out of wedlock children, fights, cops, jail, depression, broken down doors, hospitals---I never knew a 1/2 Swede 1/2 Mic could have such drama...

The current running through it though is: blacked out, drank, resolved to stop, on the wagon, off the wagon, stopped, started again and on and on and on. I love this man I never met. By all accounts he was charming and handsome, intelligent (but intellectually lazy as the handsome and charming often are) and infuriating.

James Frey is an asshole, man.

For Mickey

2006-11-04T23:53:00.000-05:00

Tina Louise

A still I bought back when I used to frequent Movie Star News when I was 13...

Wake me up in January

2006-11-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

I am getting older and I am going to die.

Of course, this is not exactly a revelation but I think I am having a minor mid-life crisis. I am filled with a sense of regret at things not done, squandered opportunities. But it is tempered by a sense of profound accomplishment. I am self-made. And that expression slays me because my mom used to say it proudly about my dad. She meant he had no breaks, no education and he did well for himself. The irony is, they did nothing for me. They gave me no breaks, no education. My parents seemed to operate oblivious to the changing world around them. And such downers: You can't do that. You're not very good looking so you better work on your mind. And constantly making fun of me: something I said, misprounounced, wanted to be, wanted to see, listen to, read.

So, it's a wonder I came out of it. My good old ego got me through it. But sometimes my ego falters.

1) I look older. I don't want to change it. I think cosmetic surgery etc. is dumb. But I look a little haggard. I can't quite figure out why. I looked better two years ago and it's not just because I was younger.

2) I can't decide whether I am happy in my life or not. I am so easily bored. The best thing about my getting younger is that I become a little less manic as time goes by.

3) I can't decide whether I should strive for some new experience or whether I should just pursue a kind of unaware pleasure.

4) I realize that I do so few things with my friends etc. that when I see them I really value them. I have people I love dearly whom I see only every 5 or so years.

5) I think my parents destroyed me in some way. They thought they were doing a good job but it's almost as if I have spent years trying to become the person I always should have been if not for my mother's over-protection and domination.

6) I am angry with my parents. I thought I let all of this anger go, but their incident with me brought it all up.

7) I can do absolutelu anything I set my mind to. I have proven that time and again. But I tend to do things to prove I can do them. Once I have it I move on.

8) When you know you can do anything, it opens you up to deciding what you want...

9) Again, what do I want? I no longer want fame or money or things like that. I no longer feel the need to impact the world at large, to have strangers say he's so great or I want to be him.

10) I think what I want is to impact the people I work with and relate with.

11) If I am with this job a year from now, I will be there in 15 years and be CEO.

12) If I leave this job a year from now, I will take a job that doubles my salary. AKA sell out. I don't necessarily want that, it depends on how this job goes.

13) I have family coming over next weekend. I have family coming on Thanksgiving. I am going to go insane with them.

14) I have so much time to think. I think this is the advantage I have over people with children. When you have children you don't have time to think and time flies by.

15) I do not want children. I know this gay male couple with children. Adopted from foreign countries. That defeats the purpose for me. If I ever had a child I want it to have my genes. Ego. Anyway, I am very suspicious of gay men who want children. I don't think men have a paternal instinct. I think they just like the idea of little thems running around. Anyway, this couple---one makes the $$$ and the other is a "stay at home Dad." Gag me. I hate those fucking expressions. Anyway, this dude totally comes on to me all the time. He's seen me naked at the gym and he wants to blow me. I know these things. I am not a prude, but I think that is so gross. Cheat on your partner, fine. But you go through all this trouble and expense to adopt two kids because family is so important to you and then you want to go and act like a cliche fag and blow me in the steam room? Gross.

16) Anyway, not having kids and having a job is making me a little bored. I thought I would fall off the wagon and become a drunk again but that became boring after one night. And drinks got really expensive in the 6 years I've been sober. Fuck. I thought I would try to become an exercise junkie again but I did that to the nth degree before already. So what's left? I guess I can try and relax...I dunno. I really do feel like putting all my energy into work. Whatever. I'm getting exasperated. I'm going to watch some TV.

the REAL Sarah

2006-10-24T22:20:00.000-04:00

Initiation of Sarah Remake

Initiation of Sarah Original

Everyone who knows me knows I love TV Movies of the 70s, a time when hitchhiking in cut-offs would almost certainly lead to prostitution. Well, I have waxed poetic on this blog somewhere about my love for seminal TV Movie Initiation of Sarah with Kay Lenz as a Carrie White type. Imagine my utter dismay when I saw this notice in the post (above.) Give credit where credit is due. This is a remake. I am disturbed.

I also have the ultimate reference guide to every single TV Movie made and aired in the 60s and 70s, caption for IoS above. Look at that cast...

Daniel Craig

2006-10-24T22:02:00.000-04:00

Craig, Daniel Craig

Alright, plain and simple: if you ever are at a loss as to what to get me for Xmas or my birthday, he will do fine.

He deviates slightly from my type as he has fair hair but he is short and stocky and what I wouldn't give to pound his ass silly.

ass wipe

2006-10-24T21:37:00.000-04:00

I can be fairly nasty---both verbally and physically---but only when provoked. This often occurs on the foul subway.

Today, on my way home, I was forced to nearly knock a man over as he was walking up the stairs and I was running down as there was---gasp---an N at 14th street heading to Brooklyn. This happens very rarely and I get as excited about it as old foreign women do when they see the Virgin Mary's face in a potato chip.

Anyway, it was rush hour and this guy was slow, was walking on the left side of the stairs and should have known better. He was also youngish and fairly hale and hearty, yet he looked so stricken when faced with me barelling towards him.

Well, lo and behold, I got on the train and it was a Q. The Q and the N have huge cars and the letter is barely discernible on the outside of the train if it is already stopped so half the time you do not know until you are on it. So, I got off at Canal to wait for the fabled N.

Canal is hell: I have seen Chinese people picking their noses, eating all sorts of rubbish, and chattering crowding pushing jostling. Today I had a grown woman drinking an iced drink through a fat straw and she kept sucking it up and then letting it back into the big paper glass. Suck, let go, suck, let go, suck, let go. It made the most repulsive noise and that is when I began to want to push her against the wall and pour her drink on the tracks.

When the train came, some people pushed ahead of me onto the car and I was getting on and people were still getting off and this guy getting off totally tensed his body really hard and did a kind of barrel through me thing. So I looked at him and just scowled and kind of growled a low disgusted "watch out." It was really good.

Then, as he's getting off the train he starts with, all flustered, as he's moving and a million people are still getting off and on: "Why don't you wait until I'm off the train you, you ass wipe! You stupid fuck!" The guy was so lame and it was so funny because I'm sure nobody heard me but everyone on the train and the plat heard him and thought he was psycho muttering to himself. But gotta love ass wipe. Wow, that hurts. For about 5 minutes I kinda fantasized about getting off the train and just pounding his face into pulp. Then I felt better.

She Does Not Use Botox

2006-10-03T22:35:00.000-04:00

Unless it is reconstructive, I think plastic surgery is generally for losers (sorry, entire country of Brazil.) I think Botox is for bigger losers. I think it is so funny how it is now de rigeur to look scary-smooth whether you are in entertainment, media or are just some dumb, competitive yoga-loving mommy. I had a 2 year period where I was an ultra buff, food-measuring, caliper toting, Gucci wearing, self-tanning, facial-having slave. It was so much work and so boring amd all I ever got out of it was feeling shallowly elitist once in a while and the problem with that is that there is always someone who is better at the whole thing than you. So I stopped and came to realize that it is the domain of the shallow and insecure. The funny part is before I could barely get laid, now I can't keep 'em off me :-)

Anyway, I now have a new hero: Patricia Wettig. I used to like her on Thirty-something. She was kind of cranky and mean, but compelling, kind of like Betty Buckley on Eight is Enough...I never would have wanted Abby as my step-mom, she was a little cranky.

Well, Wettig has a role on "Brothers and Sisters." She is probably, maybe in her early to mid 50s and she is replendent in her wrinkles! I love it, crows feet, crinkles and big killer valleys. I am so in love. She looks fantabulous. It's confidence and confidence is fucking sexy.

Gym

2006-09-24T23:12:00.000-04:00

There's this guy I met online and I saw him at my gym and said hi and was real cool and he came trotting over later to talk. So surreal. We've never met before until the gym but have already both seen each other naked in pics. Anyway, he wrote me an email later and told me I was "handsome" which I am certainly not but it was still nice to hear, I like when guys say that because what they are really saying is "I am attracted to you" which is evern better to hear. I am into him, too, but I have to say I have seen him a couple of times at the gym since then and he gives me a rise but I just feel like it is so much work to hook up...So he probably thinks I'm not into him and I am it's just that right now I'm not that into going through all the steps just to have a hook up. But I do think it would probably be good...I'll let you know.

McGreevey

2006-09-24T23:10:00.000-04:00

I'm reading his book and it's not as annoying as I thought it would be. He is seriously fucked up. I am a little annoyed that he goes to one fucking upper east side fag cocktail party and little bitch gets picked up by an Aussie millionaire and now lives in a 19 room mansion and tends to his garden and his inner child...

The Aged and Infirm

2006-09-24T23:02:00.000-04:00

First off, if you're in Hollywood and you have nothing done to your face, I like you. The list is very short. Diane Lane is on it. It is amazing to me that women in Hollywood are getting more and more freakish looking, and doing it younger and younger. It's like the Emperor's New Clothes only everyone is doing it. Every day it seems I see a shot of some other 30-somethinger who is looking pulled and tied and yanked and smoothed out.

Now to me.

No matter what these bitches do to the outside, the inside still fucks you up:

I went to the eye doctor: I have a cataract in each eye ("very common in men in their 30s" doc said)
I went to the Derma: two pre-cancer moles which must go. "Very common blabla"
I went to the regular doctor. I am more or less fine except for my knee. So I got Vico from him. With a refill.
I am going to the ortho: My knees both have tears. It is fucking up my ability to do cardio so I am gaining weight so in order to compensate I am training harder and putting on more muscle...too much work. Have to have double knee surgery.

Bottom line is every year there is more shit to do. The doctor felt my balls and said in a year we'd have to start testing for Prostate and Colon cancer. Whoopee!

Crazy Bitch

2006-09-24T22:22:00.000-04:00

Why is the media so reserved about this crazy bitch who murdered her friend and her 3.5 children? This has to be just about the most heinous crime of the last 50 years and the media is tepid. Perhaps even they can't deal? All I know is bitch hit her friend on the head and used scissors to slice her friend's stomach open, reached in and yanked out her 7 month old fetus. Friend bled to death. Fetus expires. Then bitch goes and drowns the 3 children and put their bodies in her Maytag washer and dryer. This bitch should rot in hell and I don't even fucking believe in God...

Chris Wallace

2006-09-24T22:16:00.000-04:00

I hate Chris Wallace and think he is a little wise ass and I would take no greater pleasure than hitting him across the face, however I am not a former president. I wish Bill had not lost it with him, it just sends the wrong message and makes it look like it is his fault that Al Quaeda got so powerful. It also makes him look unhinged. I do believe, however, that Bill got so out-of-control because he cares so much and he does wish he could have done something about Osama. He just cares and that is what differentiates him from so many others. His real emotions actually got the better of him and that is kind of refreshing. Besides, he has nothing to lose so who gives a shit? But, hell, I woulda liked to have seen Bill rough him up..

I do love, however, that Bill called him on that "smirk" on his face, that was priceless.

Headshot

2006-09-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

I need to have headshots done. I need them for work but the photog they use makes everyone look like Richard Avedon without the brilliance, just bad skin and wrinkles all around...

Anyway, they said I could go elsewhere but I have an ulterior motive: I want headshots for my fledgling commercial career, too.

I don't know why I am pursuing this except that I am bored. I need to stir the pot. I expect I will be like this my entire life.

I've been thinking a bit about life lately. Uh oh. I mean I love getting smarter as I get older but I kind of realize more so lately that I am going to die. I think part of what brought this on is my mother. As she ages, she seems so filled with pain and regret about things that happened over the last 70 (!) years. She is tortured. I think I am doing much better than she. My father, meanwhile, is the opposite: complete denial and a frustrating attitide of bon ami as if nothing bad ever happened. (He lost both parents and 4 brothers and 1 sister before he was even 35 so I have no idea where that came from.)

So, do I have regrets? Yes. But I want to move on because there is nothing I can do about them. But here are some:

Education: I never took it seriously for a million reasons. But it is crucial and if you can get a quality college education it means you can get a quality graduate education and that is key. It has caused me enormous problems in life and if I can do it over again, I would. (To give myself some credit here, my parents helped fuck me up with this one.)

Having balls when I was younger: If I had the guts then that I have know. I was so busy partying when I was in my early 20s I let so many opportunities slip through my fingers. Plus, I had an aversion to hard work, plus I had a need for Bourgeois things. I should have taken some more chances when I was younger.

That's really about it and I guess for that I am lucky. As for now: I am not afraid. I have a boss who is afraid, paralyzed by fear and it embarasses me to watch. I have no respect for him whatsoever. What is there to be so afraid of? Jesus Christ, it's just work. I think for me, I had such crucial changes over the last few years: as far as fear, I stood in my doorframe the morning of 9/11 waiting with my eyes closed to feel the impact of a WTC tower on my building as it buried me in rubble. Didn't happen obviously, but that 30 seconds or so was real fear.

So what do I want? I don't know, but I am getting closer to finding out. I still want, crave and enjoy recognition and praise. I am so easy to please/manipulate. Tell me I have good ideas, tell me I'm smart, tell me I'm attractive, that's all it takes. There's a dyke at work and I adore her because...she adores me. Gives me tons of credit, tells me I'm so great, tells me I have big muscles. I swear to god this muncher read the manual on me.

I think I want to be CEO of my company someday. I intend to start aiming high as I have not before. So we'll see. But I'm sure I'll get bored with that someday, too, should I get it. Just my nature.

Andy Warhol

2006-09-23T22:41:00.000-04:00

I've been savoring the Andy Warhol doc on PBS.. Partially because there is never anything to watch. Movies just suck. I turn off 99% of the movies I turn on now afyer 20 minutes. I used to get so excited at "Fall Preview" sections because so many sounded so good. Now, I know better. The latest was Black Dahlia. I used to love De Palma. What the fuck happened? I do not even remember the last time I saw a movie in the theatre. I seriously think it was 2003.

Anyway. Andy. Love Andy. Love the rags to riches, love the influence on culture, love the influence on me.

I used to look at Page 6 photos of Andy, Bianca et al partying when I was 10 years old and I wanted to be there. I read Edie cover to cover when it first came out and that book got in my head deep. I lonoged for an era that had already ended, it was gone forever but its whiff still lingered.

Anyway, I am loving it. They have some good commentary, too. A curator did a pretty good job of explaining why he was such a successful commercial artist in the 50s:

His blotting process, or his process of making a drawing look printed was very appealing to art directors (who hired him for ads) because something that was printed implied that it was desired enough by the masses to be subject to a mass printing. In other words, we are influenced and want what others want and what we perceive that others find popular. So he took that thought and made drawings for ads that looked mass produced.

Loving it and we have not even gotten to the 60s yet.

Message Board Idiots

2006-09-14T22:13:00.000-04:00

I belong to this NYC invitation-to-join message classifieds board. All the people who post on it suck and I only belong now to read the absurd requests. In general they are about:

1) Used shit that people want to sell (TVs, washers, gift certificates, coats)

2) Jobs that people or their close friends/relatives are looking for. Usually they want to work in media/film/publishing/marketing

3) Services they recommend: great career coaches, dentists, movers, makeup artists

4) People looking to sublet their apartments for really short amounts of time (like 3 days) for really ridiculous sums of money

5) People looking for information from people on stuff they can easily find out themselves (insurance providers, real estate brokers, restaurants)

It's fair to say I hate them all. Here are some of tonight's winners...

Hello all,

For some weird reason I was able to get 5 days off of work this coming
week and wanted to take advantage of it. I was hoping to go up to the
Catskills and work on a photo project I've been putting together.

Is there anybody out there that would be willing to lend a car
this coming weekend/week? I'm looking at going this
Saturday - Wednesday

I don't have the budget to rent a car but I can compensate a little
cash or we could work out some sort of a trade.

Anything would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

-Timothy

Bart asks: Who the fuck are you and why would I give you my car? Asshole.

Hello Friends

My sister is selling some of her Rangers tickets for pre-season and regular
season. She has 2 tickets for each game. They are located in section 423
(center ice). The tickets are $52 for the pair. Email me back if you are
interested @aol.com_ (mailto:@aol.com) or call ########
Pre-Season
Wednesday, September 20 vs. New Jersey Devils @ 7PM
Monday, September 25 vs. New York Islanders @ 7PM
Wednesday, September 27 vs. Boston Bruins @ 7PM
Regular Season
Sunday, November 5th vs. Buffalo @ 5PM
Sunday, November 19th vs. Tampa Bay @ 7PM
Sunday, November 26th vs. Buffalo @ 7PM
Sunday, December 10th vs. Florida @ 7PM

Bart says: Your sister is a scalper. Call a spade a spade.

High-quality, extra warmth, queen sized The Company Store "La Crosse"
comforter for sale
Link to what it looks like:
http://www.thecompanystore.com/parent.asp?product=CT06x&dept%5Fid=3101
Color: Vineyard (light green)

Purchased last November to keep me warm during Ithaca winters (and it sure
did!) Don't need it now.

Going to the best offer starting at $50.00 - bidding ends midnight 9/16

Email me at @aol.com

Thanks!

Bart says: Buying used bedding is too ghetto, you are so tacky, give it to a homeless shelter and have 4 fewer drinks next month. Cheap cunt.

As my job search continues, I need help with two things:

1. One woman whom I am going to work for,for 6 hrs a week as a nanny, asked
how much I want to get pd. *Any suggestions on how much I should ask for or
the going rate for a nanny?
* 2. Anyone have any suggestions for my primary work? I want to work in the
non-profit sector with an organization that has a mission statement for the
empowerment or betterment of children. For example, my dream job would be
the UNICEF, but I am taking baby-steps…..I have sent out lots of resumes,
but the phone calls back are not happening.

3. Or maybe you have some ideas of places where I could work for some cash
flow. Example: restaurants (experience in being a waitress, but bartender
would need to be trained, catering services, any service job that deals with
people I can do.

Thanks for your help!!!!!!

Bart says: Sure, and can I wipe your ass for you, too?

Bored vs Content?

2006-09-12T22:18:00.000-04:00

My whole life I've imagined it would feel good to be settled and just "be." Well, my job is fine, my house is fine, I've been to 4% body fat and I'm fine having 10 extra lbs, I've had enough sex to last a lifetime, so what am I to do? I am bored. Usually I would be filling my empty spots with some project(re-build my closets! Scan things! plan Thanksgiving dinner! Edit my novel! Plan for a home gym in my basement!) but I have not been. I am so bored. I'll tell ya, being a stressed out, jobless, poor, substance abuser was kind of a drag but at least it was contantly interesting.

I'm not sure what to do? Part of me wants to relax and enjoy it before one of my parents get sick or whatever but another part of me just wants to cause some trouble.

I think I'll channel my efforts into work and trying to get some new business. Work and exercise I suppose. But I am still bored...

Early Sex

2006-09-02T23:01:00.000-04:00

I think I first became sexually aware/aroused the summer I turned 11. I had gone to a day camp and had a counselor named Danny that I got the biggest crush on. He was 17, going into Senior year of HS, had dark hair, was Jewish but could have just as easily been Italian. He was handsome and moody. He had a favorite in this little asshole named Cary who was like small for his age and used to sit on Danny's lap on the bus all the time. I was jealous. Even then I didn't know how to flirt and I would rather talk earnestly because, instead of wiggling my NAMBLA ready ass like Cary, I would engage Danny in these debates about movies and music and shit.

Anyway, Danny had sort of a weird habit if I say so. When we were changing into swim trunks in the locker room he would linger naked and he would talk to us all. Danny was athletic and 17 so his body was about as good as could be for the era but Danny had something else special about him: huge cock. Now, normally I would say my 10/11 year old mind had no idea what a huge cock was...however, there were other counselors who had dicks that got lost in their pubes. Not my Danny. Huge, flaccid swinging dick. Interestingly enough, this was when there was only 1 counselor, a friend of Danny's started later and Danny got more modest. But he had already done his damage. I remember being so fascinated by his dick that I actually tried to draw it in a notebook.

Well, cut to the fall. I find this porno book in my house. It had a provocative drawing on the cover...of a guy who looked like Danny. So I read this book and it's about some handsome guy in a big city with no money and he turns to hustling and he's really popular because he has a huge cock.

I'm sure half the shit in this went over my head. All I know was I was getting a hard on and was not even aware of it. I did not put two and two together for a while. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I had no idea what the book was talking about with all the "cum" and "love juice" talk.

Well, this book was around for a few months and then it disappeared, never to be seen again.

It had a rather obscure title, so last week I googled it and...sure enough, a book store in Seattle had it and I ordered it.

It was so bizarre reading something that turned me on when I was 11 and had no concept of anything. And guess what? It still turned me on, only this time I came gallons. Interesting. Now all I have to do is find Danny. And I know his last name....

Stranger than Fiction

2006-08-20T22:17:00.000-04:00

This is the kind of weird thing that would only happen to me.

I got this piece of junk mail in the house I occupy and own, the house I have lived in for about a year, the house in a part of Brooklyn I had not stepped foot in in nearly 25 years prior to moving here.

The junk mail was addressed to a name that sounded vaguely familiar. Then not long after I got another piece to a name that sounded very familiar. And it rang a bell.

There was a girl I worked with from about 1986-1988 when I was in school. She had an older bf I did not much like but the girl was OK and we saw some movies like Platoon and Angel Heart together.

The BF was way older which probably meant 40ish. Last I heard about them they had cohabitated, married and moved to Canada 15 years ago.

Well I go on Property Shark and find his name as having once owned my house. Then today I ask my neighbor who has lived next door for 36 years and he totally remembers them and even went to visit them in Toronto.

This is weird shit. Some friend I had briefly in the 80s lived with her husband in the house I own today (There was another owner between us for years) and I only found out because of Citibank junk mail.

Weird shit.

Rescue Me

2006-08-20T22:15:00.000-04:00

I'm late to the party on this one but I just started watching this show. I heard "9/11" when it first hit and tuned out. Maybe it's for the best because I just bought all the DVDs and now don't have to deal with TV. I really like it. Good writing and acting always wins me over.

My Oven

2006-08-20T22:14:00.000-04:00

I got my new oven Friday so fuck my parents. I love it. It boils big pots of water in like a minute. And it looks intimidating. Cool.

Parents

2006-08-20T22:09:00.000-04:00

My mother and father finally consented to see me after about 4 weeks. I was very patient but it is evident to me that they have crossed some threshold into old age/irrationality.

Everything is slowly getting better however my mother told me two things of interest:

1-"If it was not for your father, I would have cut you out of my life."
2-She saw her grandson after 10 years and said he resembled me and she felt that "She had lost one but gained another."

I don't even feel like going into this, except to say that I feel like I am in that Twilight Zone episode where the guy wakes up and his wife does not know him, they don't know him at his job, etc. She clearly had some kind of a break as I did nothing whatsoever to her besides write her an email where I said something snotty about my brother who deserves much more than mere snottiness...

Women

2006-08-01T22:42:00.000-04:00

Strange days. When I was away I was hot and tired and half conscious on the beach and had the most intense, hard-on inducing day-dream about...a woman. It was very hot and even when I "woke up" and realized I was thinking about a chick I stayed hard and longed to see the job to completion.

This is not new. There's this girl at work who got tipsy in Atlanta and told me she liked me. I think she still does. She knows I like boys but Ihave to admit there is some weird vibe between us. But I'm already acting just like a guy because the more I know her the less I want to fuck her, lol.

Seriously though, I think the best would be a threesome with a m/f couple. You know, the girl is hot and the guy is sorta curious and I could work with both of them. Damn, this really does work for me...

Oven vs. TV

2006-08-01T22:40:00.000-04:00

Today I'm thinking I should get a new TV instead of a range/oven. I dunno. The existing versions I have of both are actually fine but I long to do something withe the money. I'm also thinking a good bike...

Timeline of Porn

2006-08-01T22:33:00.000-04:00

I was bored and sweating on the train coming home tonight so I tried to think of a top moments in porn timeline or the technologies/events that had the biggest effect on porn.

Playboy Magazine-1950s

Penthouse shows Pubic hair-Late 60s

Deep Throat-Early 70s. Socially acceptable to see porn and porn makes money.

Video-Changes industry forever. Quality goes down but allows for every niche and brings it into anyone's home turning it into a multi-billion dollar business.

Traci Lords-Her underage resume is the catalyst for legislation and forces the industry to get more serious and resonsible.

AIDS/Condoms-Kills many, forces responsibility and some say ruins the mood permanently.

Internet-Another channel for distribution and promotion.

Viagra-What can I say? All the fluffers are now unemployed.

Vacation

2006-07-31T21:45:00.000-04:00

I just spent 4 days with some relatives who have a house in Cape Cod. I've been visiting them nearly every summer for 10 or 11 years. It's nice, very mellow, but the drive kills me. Near 6 hours. The weather was great. I scored some Oxy Contin from an uncle who has shingles and never takes his painmeds. Drive is worth it for that.

I still have not resolved things with my mother and father. They are not ready to see me. They are insane.

I got a residual from a TV commercial today that I had forgotten all about. I did not think it ever ran. It is funny because I went to the call as a lark with my friend George and they ended up testing me. George was pissed. He's Greek and has a big nose. He needs to grow up. It's also funny because all these people in my main office in Atlanta asked me if I used to be an actor. It's not because I am good looking or anything, it's because I volunteered to ad lib on stage and was at ease. I said "I'm not an actor but I am an exhibitionist," but I don't know if they got it.

For the first time I noticed all these old married men who I have chatted with on the Cape for years are old queens. How many gay married-to-women closeted men are there anyway? I think more than gay out men. It's creepy.

Anyway, I'm going to buy a big fancy stove with my check. Thermador or Viking or something. Aren't they de riguer? Or maybe I should get something for my parents. Yeah, don't think so.

Did I ever mention that I met Peggy Lipton in 1988 and she was one of the warmest, nicest people I ever connected with? And very beautiful, too. I saw her on something talking about Quincy Jones tonight and was reminded. They had just split and it was right before Twin Peaks and she was so vulnerable and sweet.

I finally saw The Nomi Song. Made me wistful for 1979-1983. I was literally a kid then but hyper aware of that scene as that was the scene I so wanted to be in. You know when you are too young to party and have your nose pressed against the glass? That's how it was for me. I guess I'm lucky I'm not 5 years older or I would probably be dead.

Nomi Song was cool and as usual I saw multiple Madge inspirations. She was around then soaking it all up.

I got home today and it was so hot and I was kinda horny. I went out looking for trouble in a 'is he a straight Guido or a big built fag?' keep 'em guessing kinda ensemble. Didn't find any though. I tell ya, when I'm in a mood like this you just have to look at me for an extra beat and you'll get me. I'm so easy.

When Parents Attack

2006-07-23T21:39:00.000-04:00

So I got back from Atlanta last night and the flight was awful but the trip was really good but I don’t want to talk about any of that yet. Instead…

I have a very good relationship with my parents. They live close by and I see them a lot and I am always there for them. I have a sister who is out of her mind and has not spoken to any of us in years and a brother who lives in eastern europe who has not been home in nearly 10 years. My mother is devoted to him and my father is devoted to my mother.

Anyway, last week my Mom asks me to help her with something on the computer that she has to do for my brother. To make a long story short, my brother treats my mother like a slave and asks her to do complex things and she gets glazed with love and does anything for him. Then she sucks me into it when she cannot figure out how to do it. There are more complexities here but basically he emailed 2 docs to her and she was supposed to print them, fill them in and take them to the embassy.

She’s nearly 75 and had tough time figuring out how to print it out. So she forwarded to me and asked me to help. I converted the file to another type and sent it back to her. End of story.

So she takes the docs to the embassy of this eastern European country and the red-tape asshole tells the 75 year old lady who came into the city on a subway in 100 degree heat for her (asshole) son that the doc has a typo. Rejected. Very Stalin-esque.

So it starts all over again (only the typo is on my brother’s side so he needs to re-do and re-send) and she forwards and send etc. etc. Now, when I’m speaking to her on the phone she sounds fine but very tired. So we do the process again and I send it to her and I ask her to let me know if the docs prints OK because it is getting late on Wednesday and I am gearing up for my trip.

But I am annoyed. Because my brother is:
A) Treating my mother like a maid
B) Affecting me

And my mother is going along with it. Why can’t he realize it’s a lot of work for an old lady?

On top of this, I’m really annoyed because I’m sure my brother can do this more efficiently.

To that efficiency, I send her an email from work because I have a lot to do Wednesday night and need to know what is going on. I write the following and do not hear back so I assume it is fine.

Well, cut to today. I am exhausted. I got home last night at 1 and had 4 days of 5:30AM – 1AM days. I called my Mom and left a message at around 1.

So I don’t hear back so I call at 7. My Dad answers and manages to get out “How was your trip” but I can tell he is not listening to my anser.

Then he says “I saw your emails to your mother.”

I had no idea what he was talking about and told him, especially since he’s saying it like I did something bad. And they have the same email address so one would hope whatever I write he sees.

“Those emails about your brother.”

I cringed and said “Is that still going on, with those documents? I thought it was settled.”

“No it’s done, they are taken care of. But those emails to your mother were terrible. So chiding and treating her like a child, she is extremely upset with you, she can’t even talk to you.”

I have a bad temper and I have no idea what he is talking about and then I figure it out. And I start to try to explain that whatever they are construing is just being overly-sensitive because I just wrote a matter of fact email.

Then he goes on and really lays into me about how “terrible they were and I had to agree with her.” He’s talking about them as if I wrote “Mom, you are a filthy cunt!!” I lost it. I said “I can’t believe you are doing this to me. I get home after working 7AM to 1AM every day for a week, get home last night at 1AM from a hellish flight and you’re talking about some email??”

Then, guess what? He hangs up on me. First time for everything.

So, I have to know, I go and I print this email. Here it is:

----

Hi Ma,

Changing margins is a function of the software application being used to print out the file/photo/image/document. I have no control over that from this end. You may be able to do that from your end depending on which software opens up the file for you. It is usually one of the options under "print" or "layout."

All I did, both at work and at home, was use the computer I was working off of's software to open the file and save it as a picture file (The way he was sending it was as an html file, that is why it probably opened up in Explorer) and then send it to you.

The only variable I could introduce at this point is, when I get home tonight, save them as a picture file from my home computer as it uses a different software.

I printed out the documents here. They do look fine but then again I do not work at the consulate.

I know you don't like hearing these kinds of things, but I get some license to complain for spending quite some time on this:

Couldn't he have used an expedited mail service for this? What would he have done 10 years ago before the Internet?

Love, Bart

----

What do you think? Perhaps a little snotty, yes, but nothing to get hysterical about.

So, I don’t know how to process this situation. First time. New experience. Where do we go from here? I was furious at first. “Everything I have done for them, images of me at the hospital with them and numerous images of my self-sacrifice. True. Mostly true. Then I picture my idiot brother who she should be blaming.

I think a bit. I calm down.

Well my Mom was hot and exhausted and annoyed and upset at the whole week. The prior Sunday she had been stood up for brunch (no call, nothing) from her grandson whom she has not seen in 10 years. She should take it out on my brother but is incapable. She could even take it out on the consulate. So, I was her breaking point, the person safe to be mad at. So, I get to be the scapegoat. I can live with that. I like roles. I will play along. But I am mad and a little freaked out. Nothing like this has ever happened.

But I call him. I tell him I am ready to talk. I am calm. I do not say “you hung up on me dickhead, grow up.”

First, I tell him that I think I was a catalyst for how she has been feeling. I read the email. It is very matter of fact to me. It was written from work and is pure, emotionless business writing. I tell him I was mad at my brother and that was why I put in the last part. I tell him importantly that I did not intend to hurt her (This is what gets me—they both think that I set out to write some nasty email to hurt her. Who do they think I am?) I say a lot. All very open, honest and letting it all hang out.

He says nothing about anything except “Well you criticize your brother for not being here and not doing things for your mother yet your mother asked you for help, why can’t you just help her and forget what she needs help for?”

“I did help her.” But he does not like the way I helped her. He basically will go no where near my reasoning and keeps getting back to the email which to me is the least important things here. What is the reason behind her feelings?

Then I tell him that the most important thing is that she know that I did not set out to hurt her. And he says “I know, I can tell from your voice that you mean that.” What the fuck does that mean? So I say “Dad, I’m not 10 years old. You don’t need to tell from my voice whether I’m telling the truth or not. I’m telling you so, so that is what makes it the the truth. Do you really think I would set out to deliberately hurt her?”

Then he tells me “that he will get back to me.” He sounds like a HR person or a potential new client. All pokerfaced and serious. I’ll get back to you after I talk to your mother. Oh. OK. If I don’t hear from you does that mean I did not get the job?

I think so many things are wrong here:

They cannot communicate and when they do it is after things fester for far too long. My Mom keeps things in and my Dad doesn’t see anything.

So, I get a surprise attack.

I do not have a crystal ball. The only way I know if something is bothering you is if you tell me.

It’s evident my father thinks I’m the same person I was when I was a little boy and uses the same manner of communicating with me. He can tell when I’m lying? What’s to lie about? We’re all grown up here. It’s not about who broke his pen or took $5 from his wallet.

My mother is the same person who recently told me father after 40 years of the same behavior and never complaining about it that she wanted him to change or else.

My Dad makes things worse by blindly defending my mother from a perceived attack which is chivalrous but does no good. He should be translating and making things better.

He should be helping her, too, instead of playing this role. I really think he is so emotionally simple that he would be happy with my saying “I was feeling really tired and I am sorry. “

I really get the strangest feeling with both of them that I could tell them I am never speaking to them again and they would fold. What is wrong with them? They are just not fighters. They seem to expect bad things to happen to them and almost encourage them.

For years I defended her behavior with my sister, but I do not know any more. Really. Perhaps the only reason it has not happened yet is because my mother and I are somewhat similar. My grandmother was, too. I think the three of us have a certain sangfroid that manifests itself differently. A certain socio-pathic gene.

The commonalties we share(d) (Not every one of them for all three of us, but combinations):

A giant ego.
A mistrust of others
A lack of sentimentality
No fear of death.
Enjoying solitude.
Manipulation

My grandma more or less had all of them. She was like Balzac’s Cousin Bette.

My mother has some of them but is stymied by her (primal) love for her children, her odd sentimentality for things evocative of the past and her lack of a quick wit and academic intelligence (which never impeded my grandmother) but her ego is fueled by her thinking her common-sense observations are worthy of a prize.

And I, version 3, seem to be the best thus far in that thanks to getting out of Napoli and introducing some Northern European genes into the lineage I have my father’s intelligence.

Here’s what I would like to say, but cannot and will not:
Dad-You don’t trust me. You are never going to get over things that happened when I was a little boy, are you? Well, I’m not a little boy any more and can defend myself so here we go:

Both-My brother was horrible to me growing up. Horrible. He said and did cruel things to me and I never felt like he had my back.

Mom-I think when he was 5 he hated me for taking his Mommy away. You will feel guilty about that for the rest of your life. Then, when he got a little older he either detached from me or was cruel to me.

Dad-One of the few ways you could bond with him was through belittling me through sarcasm. Father and son bonding. It hurt me deeply. I spent my first 10 years in tears. It was not normal brother/brother fighting because he was not 2 or 3 years older but 5.

Mom-And mother? She looked the other way. Turned the other way. Because Bart was a different type. He could take care of himself. But I was only a little boy.

I remember you said to him “why do you treat your brother that way?” And he said “Because it’s a tough world and I want him to be prepared.”

As if he was doing some great fucking public service. What self-serving bullshit. He was doing it because he was in pain and it made him feel better. He was hurting me the living embodiment of his pain when the real source of his pain was his mother.

So, today the same pattern continues. Only, we all have mellowed and have filters. I certainly do not care any more. I am a fully realized human being.

So maybe I get a little sharp and impatient with you because you never protected me. I have no idea. Maybe not.

They have no idea who I am. And the best part is, I’m really OK with this. I’m old enough now and I have been through so much. They don’t hold much power any more over me emotionally. It’s a faded effect, a memory of power, a phantom pain. But I do feel bad for them. I do. They are old and in some kind of emotional pain over this and it is so pathetic, meaning sad. And it makes me sad that they would think that I would deliberately be cruel to them. I don’t know. I think they both don’t believe that they can be loved. I don’t know.

I do know however, that I love them both so much which is why this is so difficult. I’ll keep you posted.

Update

2006-07-17T22:21:00.000-04:00

Well, it's our first heat wave of the summer tonight and I saw some woman on the news who was 40 if she was a day talking about how she doesn't "ever remember summers this hot" and it "must be global warming." I hate stupid people who yak to newspeople. Uh, this summer has not been bad. I remember summers with like 9 days in a row of 90+ and oppressive humidity and just never feeling cool. I remember walking down the street trying to do a mind over matter thing and channel a January chill. It did not work. It's hot. Get over it. And hope there's no blackout.

I am going to Atlanta for work for several days Wednesday. I am not in the mood. I have to be very on as it 100% work related. Work is fine. I am in a routine now where I am paying off my debt and just chugging along. It is a bit dull but necessary.

My friend just got a new job. She is in banking (but a shitty area of banking) so she will be making something like 300K total package. I am happy for her. Honestly. The older I get the less motivated I am by money. I mean it is important and shoes are nice and we're all going to get old and there's nothing more frightening than "old and poor" but I am lucky in that I don't worry about my old age because my parents are not rich but they will leave me enough just because it seemed that anybody who has a Dad who was a company man and worked from the 50s through the 80s is in a similar boat. Them days be over, though. Nobody works in a white collar job for 40 years any more. Anyway, I'm not worried about my old age and as far as now, money does not make me happy. What does make me happy? All sorts of things: having good conversations, making good food, exercise, good sex---What makes me happy is more or less anything that involves my doing something I'm good at and having people worship me for it. I am serious. With that info I am very easy to manipulate. >>> For instance, I saw a guy on the subway today:

1) Not really my type physically (lean/skinny)
2) Had a gay vibe
3) Vaguely teutonic features, I'd say German/Irish
4) late 30s/early 40s--dressed a tad juvenile and with a knapsack on his back that looked like he had a TV set crammed into

He looked like just the kind of guy that always goes for me and that I'm not into. So I waited for him to notice me and to try and get my attention. The whole train ride. I was looking forward to his looking at me, me getting hard (cause attention gets me hard) him looking at me more. But it never happened. Which made him begin to become attractive. And on and on. Not everybody wants me, I grudgingly accept that though I even make myself laugh sometimes because I do think everybody wants me, it is absurd, I know that. (yet why in a city of so many ignoring each other do so many people look at me? he still asks...) Know thyself. I know my-thy very well.

Anyway, I'm a bit bored. Nothing is doing it for me. I have no new interests these days. For so long I was all about the new job/the real estate search/doing the house/working on the body constantly/writing my wonderful novel of which I had a Wm Morris agent who could not sell it to these retarded publishers and now it languishes on my hard drive---all those things were my obsession for years.

Now I do not have one. I feel like this is a petit mid-life crisis of sorts? I dunno? Maybe just a melancholy.

I could use a good affair. I emailed with an old bf who is now the ripe old age of 23 (too old, I'm like Michael Jackson when they get past 11 lol) He mentioned that he has a sort of bf who is 38 and they have their differences etc. Of course they do. I loved the sex with this kid, he was a pig and a cock crazy animal with a butt designed by Michelangelo...however (and this is a big however) memememememememememe, that's all I ever heard. Of course that's to be expected from a 21/22 y/o but it was so boring when we were not fucking. Anyway, that was a hot summer thing, maybe that's all I want, I dunno. Well, it's off to Atlanta soon enough. Keep cool.

It's Official

2006-06-28T22:51:00.000-04:00

I'm getting bored again. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't seem to be happy unless I'm striving, unless I'm unhappy. Work is fine. People like me. My job is secure for now. But I am incapable of saying "isn't that good, why don't I enjoy life for a while." No, instead I get bored, I get antsy, I crave some conflict. This is what drives me to mix drugs and sleep with strangers and exercise until I am throbbing. Not that I'm doing any of those things right now, no, instead I am sitting here wondering what's next?

I'm feeling very mortal lately. Feeling older. Looking older. It's nice in some ways. I feel wise. I like being ignored by teenagers. I like being attracted to 50 year olds (but I will not forget the 20 year olds.) I like not caring about "MySpace." I like the fact that I had a lifetime before the Internet. I like that my whole generation watched reruns of The Brady Bunch. I don't think stuff like that happens anymore. TV reaches a fraction of what it used to and they don't show the reruns in order. I like that back in the day you knew the last BB episode had Greg graduating from high school with the hair disaster and it was always followed the next day by the first episode with Mike and Carol marrying. And on and on.

What I don't like is being tired a lot and having both knees ache and finding it harder to eat what I used to and burn off what I used to. But I do like that I have changed a lot from when I was younger. I'm less shallow and more confident. I can have sex with men who have some extra weight. It doesn't bother me. It makes me feel more relaxed. When I was younger I had to try and have sex with perfect looking men so I could convince myself it elevated me. Now I don't care so much about looks, it's more about sparks, it's more about the potential for good sex, for a connection however brief.

I'm looking forward to the long weekend. I want to sleep a lot. But I know I wont.

synaesthesia

2006-06-26T22:02:00.000-04:00

Just when I discovered Veoh and it turned into a cool, free, retro to 1995-Internet site--days of unregulation and free porn--it gets shut down--at least the fun adult stuff. But I managed to download enough to keep my hands busy for a while.

Anyway, work is going fine. Only I have made some alarming discoveries. A lot of people I work with are not very smart, not very engaged in their work. There is one woman who is quite smart but she is very inexperienced in her role. The other thing is that the people who run the company are not that smart either. I feel like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby only I have just discovered that all of them are a little dopey as opposed to witches.

I think it is one of the final frontiers of wisdom to realize that the people you work for can be dumb. I mean it should be obvious--look at the President--but somehow it is engrained in me to think that people in high ranking positions must be good at their jobs. But it is not true.

I'll tell you, it give me mixed feelings. On one hand I feel like I'm not going to learn much except how to be patient and how to manage office politics better. On the other hand, I feel good because I feel pretty damn smart. It can be empowering but it is also depressing.

But I should clarify this dumbness as it is a crude word and there are several species roaming free in my new world:

1) Lazy. In over his head. Wanted a job to coast through that he had no skills for so he hired someone (hmmm) to make himself look better
2) Does acceptable work but has no natural curiousity about the world or how he can do his job better.
3) Almost there but disconnects at the point where we should be connecting,
4) So caught up in administrative tasks that there is no way she will learn new things.
5) Very experienced in his niche but has been insulated from the outside world by working at the company too long (25 years)

So that's the work thing.

On the home front, let's see:

1) I painted these horrible guest room closet doors white. It took a coat of primer and 4 coats of semi-gloss but the faux wood look is now history.

2) I am having a new Andersen window and patio door installed if my contractor ever gets his fat ass over here.

3) The torrential rains of June nearly destroyed my window box flowers but they are looking better.

4) I wrote cunty letters to the CEOs of Baker furniture, Brooks Brothers and Smith & Hawken because they all suck in their own way.

5) The AC in my house is so cold. Apartment ACs suck. I have never been this freezing. It is awesome.

6) I saw a guy at my gym I met on a Web site. I think he recognizes me too. I'm so sick of making the first move.

7) Ditto. Guy at my gym kept checking me out and checking me out. When I finally started talking to him about the rain, he got all scared.

8) Two or three days a week there is one guy on the subway that does it for me. Not the same guy, but different guys. The NY Times had an article about how some people's dopamine is out of whack. These are the people who are prone to excessive behavior and will throw reason out the window. These people are also the ones who can become addicted to sex and have cravings for it. This is so me. Sometimes I see a guy I am attracted to and it is like I am eating. I swear watching him feels like the satisfaction I get from a good meal. Maybe I have synaesthesia. That's how it was with this guy last Monday. He was just my type. 27 or 28, 5 9, dark hair, Italian, nice smooth face, big shoulders, small waist, but very natural looking. He was checking me out but I never know if guys are checking me out because they are attracted to me or because I have a big chest and shoulders and they are just doing a straight guy comparison/could I take him? kinda thing. But I really wanted him. I kept thinking about fucking him that I got the biggest boner and I had to think about my grandma laying in the casket to make it go down. That's what my morning commute is like. Behind these sleepy brown eyes are images of me fucking ass alternated with images of a 90 year old Italian prune in a coffin.

Since I'm too lazy

2006-06-09T23:43:00.000-04:00

too write you an email and you turned off comments:

http://thecoolstore.blogspot.com/2006/06/dorff-doffs-dungarees-dick-display.html

There's nothing like movei marketers riling up the gay masses by dropping some lies about size. We're so easy to agitate. I think the first incidence of targeted, dick-size pre-release buzz marketing was back when Chris O'Donnell was cast as Robin in Batman and Robin and my hairdresser was beside himself: "I have a friend who has a friend who knows the costumer and says he is huge!"

As for Dorf, isn't he like 5'6" and 120 lbs? Wouldn't just about any size dick look big on that frame?

Charity Event

2006-06-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

I went to a big charity event I go to every year. My friend is on the board so she invited me gratis because the tickets cost like a grand.

Anyway, last year I met Vin Diesel and almost came in my pants because he was so nice and so not a meathead and he was short and muscly (my favorite combo) and had a deep sexy voice.

This year I got to meet Bobby Cannavale who is friggin tall (6'5"?) and handsome/ugly kind like Nic Cage used to be. He is very nice and he brought Annabella Sciora who was very nice and extremely hot and the two of them were a very sexy couple. She is 100x better looking in person. On screen she looks a little jowly and thick browed to me but she was very sexy and has great skin.

There were some other B list stars there like Marisa Tomei (who has a lot of fans but I find her dull) but my favorite was Mariah Carey who is in her own fucking world. Told us all that she wouldn't speak long as she knew we wanted to eat our dinner (uh, Mariah, we finished eating an hour ago) and she generally came off as living on another planet. She is proudly zaftig though which I dig.

I am so not into the lean thing anymore. That whole Aniston tan tricep look is so dull. And I'm sick of men becoming big heads on lean/scrawny bodies. Boring. The lead boy on The OC is the latest to join the ranks of the recently converted to no carbs/no sugar. Eat some pasta, dude.

Sopranos

2006-06-09T23:16:00.000-04:00

I am enjoying the Sopranos this season (or as some say, The SoPRAHnos, c'mon, pronounce it like a Guinea, not like fucking Madge for crissakes)but I think David Chase has a secret mission: get us to hate the show so we will not miss it when it is gone.

What I mean is this year more than ever I am seeing the ugliness and violence and selfishness of these people. All of them. I feel like Chase is doing tough love on the audience, telling us it's time to stop watching, get outta the house and get a job.

This season has been vile. They are all a bunch of animals. I can't believe when I was in high school and went out with the mafia princess (who's Dad had a separate house for his collection of 30 cars, no kidding) I used to daydream about being mafia boy. Of course all mafia dads want their girls to marry doctors but that's another story.

Anyway, a lot of dumb fucks out there still fantasize about the life. I don't. I don't know what I fantasize about actually. Now that I have a job I like and am making some money I will probably focus on something shallow like getting really cut again. I dunno. I am feeling nostalgic.

My nephew graduated from HS today and there are lots of proms in my 'hood tonight. It makes me reminisce about proms and senior year and beach trips and hanging and partying and friends and and most importantly the mix of fear excitement and anticipation of the future.

My future seems fairly predictable right now and that is kind of boring. I don't know. I guess I have always been looking for something or someone to make me lose control and become irresponsible.

Ann Coulter

2006-06-09T23:08:00.000-04:00

I think the 911 widows can be a bit much sometimes as well, but Ann Coulter is a cunt.

I don't care if "she wants publicity," if "she really doesn't mean it," etc. She has actually managed to make herself as famous as she will ever be and permanently marginalize herself at the same time.

It's indelible now, her obituary will read "Ann Coulter, who openly criticized 9/11 victims..." and nobody wants that. She blew it for herself. Kind of like Bill Maher. I adore Bill Maher but after his too soon after 9/11 comments he also managed to marginalize himself. HBO is HBO and the networks are the networks. I like his HBO show and think the lack of boundaries suits him, but he blew it, too.

One more thing about Ann Coulter. She's a hag and that speaks volumes about her fans. Anybody who has ever spent any time on the hill knows that she's considered hot because the hill is not filled with a bunch of lookers...

Weekend

2006-05-29T21:47:00.000-04:00

I had a really nice long weekend.

This is my firts Spring/Summer in the house and my first time with a grill so every night I have been grilling. I'm enjoying watering and caring for the plants and flowers. I love these kick-ass powerful ACs I have which make the fake "central AC" of NYC apartments seem like swamp living.

The only thing that is getting me down are these allergies. 4 weeks of mild to severe discomfort. Right now my head is stuffed and my nose is running and I am coughing. When does this end? My first time ever with this reaction.

One of my best friends and her husband have a gray cloud over their lives. He's in his own business which has its ups and downs. She had a miscarriage a year ago. Then in the summer her parents dropped a Lifetime MOTW bombshell on her and told her that her father had been arrested at a public pool for performing oral sex on a guy. An underage guy. And oh yeah, the Feds took their computer because he is part of a larger sting operation on computer sex crimes. Then, a week ago, he got into a terrible car accident and broke his knees, his pelvis and assorted other things and has burns on his body from being dragged on the road. Maybe I will not complain about my allergies.

The people a few houses away from me have a pool. They have 4 kids including a tough little 16 or 17 year old with a body like an adult. The kind of adult I like to go out with. Anyway, he spent the day yesterday with his girlfriend frolicing in the pool and laying out. I tried not to look but I did a little, he's got nice tits, couldn't help myself. I'll keep trying not to look. His father's an asshole. He smokes, is fat and gruff and unfriendly. I'm the gay guy who set a price record for purchasing a house on this block and people react differently to that: Some are friendly with me and go out of there way to tell me about their gay cousin, etc. Some are borderline hostile because they don't like whatever I represent to them. And some are pragmatic and do not really care and are just happy because I am good for property values.

Whatever. People have had visceral reactions to me my entire life. I'm a leader and tend to take over and be bossy because I know I am right and most of the time I am. I hate being wrong but I will concede when I am. Some people let me lead and some people want to knock me down. I am confident and some people hate that. I like people who are smart. Or very good and sincere. Or very attractive. I like to fight but rarely do. I am very strong and love my body. I will not grow old gracefully, I will have issues with losing strength. I enjoy sex but rarely have had good sex. I am very intelligent and well read but play it down sometimes because you have to or else people hate you. My brother was a genius but a genius with a cocky attitude and he couldn't do the political thing at all. He has lived in the middle east for 15 years. I am calm. I think it is because I have been through a lot and am very good in a crisis. I used to want to be famous but I don't anymore. I think it's because I am more or less happy and people who want o be famous are looking for something to make them happy, looking for adoration. I trust in myself and people can trust me. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. I finally feel a generation older than people in their teens to mid-20s. It does not bother me, I kind of like it, I feel liberated. I do not want a MySpace account. I think it's dumb that Debbie Harry has one. I was a fan for 30 years until I heard she had one. That's ridiculous. It's like Anderson Cooper wearing an A&F shirt on the cover of VF. Grow up. And come out of the closet publicly. Shit, he talks about everything else, why not talk about how he and Bill Hemmer used to fuck?

I Miss My Friends Here

2006-05-21T21:58:00.000-04:00

All two of them, anyway.

I want to make more time for posting but two things have been stopping me: one is sheer exhaustion and two is, I have felt a little funny. The kind of funny like my first semester at a college I later left where sometime around Halloween I missed a few classes then some more and before I knew it I had stopped going and my only choice was to drop out. Like that.

Then I realized that this is not school and I'm not paying for it and it should not give me stress but pleasure.

Anyway, I do miss my two friends.

Some recent things that have happened to me:

1) I borrowed a car, went to a nice nursery and made my front and back yard look nice. Michael would be proud of me. It's amazing how cheap stuff like dirt and wood bark is.

2) A guy at work told a story about how a swiss designer was commissioned to design a pen for Adolf Hitler and he designed the famous Mont Blan with the white cap signifying Mont Blanc but it was his har-de-har-har cuz he meant for it to be a Star of David. Not true. Nice if it would be but that pen was designed in 1914 when Adolf was a young man painting watercolors. They guy was not happy with my telling him the story was not true. Just an urban legend of sorts. This is the kind of guy who believes phishing emails...

3) I got laid and it was alright. He was neither 19 nor 48 and bald but he still did the trick.

4) I bought a big grill and have been cooking outdoors a lot. Everything tastes better.

5) My custom-made air vent covers finally came after 12 weeks and I installed them. Like everything else I have done in this house, they look subtley better. Nothing dramatic.

6) I can't tell if my bosses at work love me and think I'm amazing or hate me and think I'm a know-it-all. I try really hard not to be a know-it-all. It is hard for me.

7) I took my friend Christina to a really expensive dinner at Patsy's. We had a great time and a great bottle of wine. She's so hot. I felt so straight. They told me on the phone they were booked until 10 but I knew they would see her and let us in so we walked by and inquired. Sure enough...Men do things for her all the time. Even gay men. She has a TV prostitute who lives in her building. Her name is Chrissi and she runs ads. She hates my friend Christina. Probably because they have the same name only my friend Christina is the only one with a real cunt. I told her never to get in the elevator with her alone like in "Dressed to Kill."

8) My parents are tiring me out. Tonight I had to listen to my Mom on the phone talk about these 13 boxes of LPs of my Dad's in storage and did I want them. I said you asked me the same thing 12 years ago and I took 25 and called it a day. I thought he was selling them? They make me crazy. Meanwhile they are supposed to be getting their condo ready to sell and it looks like the Collyer brothers live there.

9) I made a budget to pay off my debt. My debt's not as bad as Chloe Sevigny's, but it's bad.

10) I'm sorry Paul McCartney and whatshername are splitting up. They were so freaky and rich together. He was so whipped and so craving that one legged sex with her, never have I seen a man so guided by lust.

Anyway, I have to got to sleep as usual.

On another note, if you like dogs, read M. Gladwell's piece in last week's NY'er about the dog trainer, it's amazing. I think Gladwell is a hack but I still like to read his articles.

Yes, I'm all

2006-05-03T23:14:00.000-04:00

Boring now. I am aware of that. I know I was much more fun when I was not a productive member of society and could go on for hours about my memories of the Farah Fawcett poster and the like.

I am regrouping mentally, I think. The last 5 years have been such chaos and so emotionally and financially unstable for me that I am craving structure. And if that means hard work and a paycheck, so be it.

I have been at my job for just over a month. A lot of things have happened but most significantly I wrote a complex proposal for and RFP in an industry I know nothing about. We were then invited to pitch and I developed a presentation from scratch in three days. My two bosses were both traveling that week and had little input. I practiced my ass off and flew to VA to present.

Monday we got the call that we got the business. I was extremely happy.

I know that I am about 85% responsible for getting the business.

Today my boss recapped with me and he asked me how I thought "we all did." His one comment to me about the whole process?

That I said "You guys" in the beginning of the presentation instead of you. You know, it was "OK with them because they were casual and we had rapport but it might not be in the future."

You guys.

This is what he tells me.

I deliver a complex proposition eloqently and charismatically --for a company I just started in and an industry I had no experience in--and get the business and all he can do is say I shouldn't say you guys.

But this is what I wanted I suppose.

Anyway, I'm going to be OK about all this this time around. Just do my job and think of myself.

Virginia is for Lovers

2006-04-29T22:15:00.000-04:00

OK, so it is was my 4th week at work and they already sent me to the DC area for three nights this week to pitch and meet etc. I guess I should be flattered and I am. I like where I am. It is going very well but I have exercised an enormous amount of restraint. What I mean is, I am doing nearly everything in my department. Not doing everything as in running myself ragged, but doing everything as in doing all the thinking. We have these out of control brainstorming meetings where little gets accomplished and then I go and write the whole thing alone. It is a little scary because I feel as if I am in a vacuum. In other words, if it's all my work and it gets rejected by the client, then I am the only one to blame. However, no one seems to realize it is all my work.

Case in point: I had 5 ideas that I came up with by myself in my home. A few weeks later when this woman I work with looked at it she said something like "Oh good, you used some of my ideas." And I really believe she thinks that. And I let her think that. Because I am getting lots of kudos as it is and it really isn't going to do me any good to portray myself as the guy who has every fucking idea. So you see? My predicament is that I need more collaboration.

I was at a pitch this week. My boss was there. I knew what the prospect was asking and I responded to it. My boss did not know what the prospect was asking but thought he did and responded differently: quandary, do I respond the right way or the wrong way (and show a unified front?) I chose to go somewhere down the middle.

Anyway, VA was a big bore and a lot of work. I rotted at the airport for 4.5 hours yesterday while they changed a wheel on the plane (!) Very encouraging. The plane was so small I actually had to lean over as I walked to my seat. It was very "People's Express" circa 1985.

But I am home and today I spent some quality time in my garden. I put up this new fence so I don't have to look at my neighbors sitting on their disgusting rotting deck furniture.

I also have a nasy sore throat.

Oh, I have a new gym obsession guy. This one is from my before work gym. He checks me out a lot, which of course I like. He's short, which I like, has that cool kinda reddish-brownish Connicky hair, which I like. He's very strong but he's a little soft in the middle which is fine. I don't know what my deal is these days. I'm either into punky brown haired 19 year olds or men in their 40s with mild beer guts. I'm so over perfection. It is so tedious. Read a book. I used to be at the gym 3 hours a day. It is funny to think about now. Anyway, my new guy--he looks very good in a towel. We'll see what develops.

Tram Accident

2006-04-21T22:51:00.000-04:00

Nighthawks

All this coverage about the Roosevelt Island Tram and not one reporter mentioned Nighthawks. That was a really fun movie from the late 70s about this terrorist and his posse that terrorize NYC.

There is a really fun sequence where they take over the Tram and hold hostages for hours, I think they even kill some people and dump 'em in the river. There is another fun sequence filmed in Xenon I believe and "Brown Sugar" is playing. The filmmakers never got clearance though so on TV and most of the new versions it is playing some cheesey faux disco but you can still find copies with The Stones.

On another note, that term terrorist was so exotic back then. The only other movie I can think of that featured terrorists in the US was Black Sunday, another fierce drak movie. That was based on a book by Silence of the Lambs' Thomas Harris.

iPod

2006-04-18T21:57:00.000-04:00

So about 3 weeks ago my iPod from 13 months ago died. 13 months is significant because after 12 there is no warranty. I had to pay $50 to find out from Apple that my only choice was getting a new one. So, I get a new, better one and then days later my whole computer dies. So I'm psyched that my music library is preserved on the iPod because I can just transfer it back to the desktop...but no. Apple will not let you transfer music from the iPod to the desktop, only vice versa. I am so pissed because now I am at a complete standstill. If I sync the iPod it will have no music on it because it will synch to blank iTunes. I want my money back. Apple sucks. If anyone knows a way around this ridiculous rule, please share.

Weekend

2006-04-16T21:48:00.000-04:00

That guy I was talking to at work? The young cute-ish one? This is funny: Friday I'm hanging out by the reception desk and he walks by and one of the reception gals asks him if his "father is driving in today." He said something like "I don't think so."

I was thinking, what? Who cares about his father. Then it hit me. He has the same last name as the CEO. The CEO is his father.

I had this totally pukey feeling for a second like maybe I had said something to him the day before like "That CEO is an asshole, eh?" Of course I didn't but I still felt pukey imagining if I had. So, suffice to say I am keeping away from him.

On another note...Friday the office was closing at 3. I had been working on this really kick-ass proposal since I started that was due Monday. Since I started I was told it was due electronically. I was taking one final look at RFP and saw, clear as day: "Due Monday 4/17. Hard copies only."

I'm going to cut to the chase on this one. My first instinct was to ignore it which I probably would have done 5 years ago since I knew it would fuck up my day. But instead I felt like I had worked my ass off and I was not going to risk the prospect rejecting it.

But, shit. Nobodys want to hear bad news especially when it's Good Friday and half the world is closed/closing early and the top brass did not even come in. So Bart here worked his ass off and got people who did not want to work to work and even with people in remote locations who don't even know me yet and got this whole thing done and put to bed by 6:00. The funny thing is, nobody seemed to care. My immediate boss seemed more concerned with the CEO's reaction. But the good thing is, I cared and I did it and it made me happy.

Politics. I tell ya, this place is filled with them.

The weekend was cool. I saw my Mom and Dad they were good except my mother cooks two times a year: xmas and easter and wow, is she a bad cook. It's kind of funny and I don't really mind it's just such a burden to eat.

I also went to Home Depot and bought some flood lights and also checked out grills to buy but I'm not going to buy it for a few weeks because I'm still not sure whether I want gas or charcoal. Charcoal is cool and tastes better but I want to grill every night and grill fast.

When I was waiting for these slow Southern chick in my main office to email me these files on Friday I was calling all these people to kill time and I called my friend who I stood up a few weeks ago. She was fine with the stand up. I like her a lot but she does not get that going out in Manhattan on a weeknight is like a royal pain in the ass for me now between Brooklyn and work. Some people don't even understand where Brooklyn is on the map.

Good news: I recovered all the files on my hard drive from my old computer. Best Buy wanted to charge me something like $300 to do this. But my friend Stephen who is this tech guy said to buy an external hard drive cover. It was so cool. It was $30 and I popped the hard drive out of my old tower, popped it into the new device, USB'd it to the new tower and Voila! A magic new drive showed up on my new system. I am psyched because I have tons of files there plus really good pics of me.

I totally need garden help. The front and the back. It is looking so ghetto. Maybe this week I will post some pix of it.

But I need to get ready for bed again. Oh, I might have to go to Virginia next week for work. I'm so annoyed they are going to start making me travel. I hate business travel.

Subway

2006-04-13T21:35:00.000-04:00

Why do so many people peer down the wrong side of the tracks to look for an oncoming train? Better yet, why do these people often look both ways? Shouldn't they be worried about getting on a train if they actually believe trains run in opposing directions on the same tracks?

Amd why do people of all ages wear really excessively large knapsacks, sometimes bigger than they are, and not even attempt to take them off on the subway and instead cram them into people?

And why as soon as we see the light of day and go over the bridge do 50% of the people on the train reach for their cel phones like so many trained animals?

Yes, I have many questions.

One of the 5 men I work with is actually young, cute and of dubious sexual orientation. Today I spent a little time with him asking him what he does and all that. That's actually something I aspire to do with everyone there but somehow I have only gotten to him. Anyway, he seems like he could be interesting, he's just working an uninteresting job for a boring client. Maybe I'll make his job more interesting. Talking to him got me hard, too, which is always fun.

Anyway, I got 3 books today:

1) A basic book on gardening (since I now have a front and back yard and it looks like the last person to tend to it was Boris Karloff)
2) A new suspense book called "Nightlife" that's been getting good reviews
3) My Adrienne Barboob autobiography which I think I will read now...

Lots of Women

2006-04-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

I now work in an office with about 35-40 employees. I hadn't realized this until we had a group meeting, but I am one of 6 men (and 3 of them are the CEO and his 2 Lieutenants.)

I have no problem with that. There's never anyone in the men's room and it's always really clean. It's a bit hot though. Women always complain that offices are cold and never seem to realize that it may have something to do with that sleeveless top and short skirt.

Anyway, I am now going through that thing I go to at every job where everyone wonders about my sex life, as in do I like girls or boys. Nobody really has probed all that much yet, though. Maybe it's because I am too new, maybe it's because I actually have a position of authority, I don't know.

The gay thing is so weird at work. It's not a protected class so hypothetically you can get fired for it. I really dig employers that do Domestic Partner benefits and write in stuff like that. This is not one of those companies. I think that's just because they are a little cheap.

I like it so far, which is good. It's important to like or at least tolerate where you spend 50 hours a week. My biggest concern right now is that I don't know if any of these people are smart yet. I've had some really good ideas and I can't tell if the tepid reaction has been because of a) general malaise b) politics (meaning they need approval first before they can like something) or c) they don't get it/it's over their heads. I hope it's not #3. I have been lucky enough to work for some really smart people and besides learning from them they also recognize and value good ideas.

We'll see how it goes, it is only week 2.

I'm so tired and my muscles hurt. I need to get in bed so I can wake up at 5AM again. I'm so boring now. I was much more interesting when I was chewing Vicos 2 months ago. But I'm happier now. Sort of.

Good Story

2006-04-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

I always like good writing and I really like good short stories because they are usually under 30 pages. Anyway, to my surprise, I liked "Brokeback Mountain." It had a lot of texture and layers and one of the reasons I think it worked is because it was very sad and tragic but was written in a completely unmelodramatic, matter-of-fact manner which somehow made it even more affecting. All said, I was plesantly surprised.

Brokeback Mountain

2006-04-09T22:52:00.000-04:00

I have neither seen the movie nor read the story and someone who shall remain nameless has been on my case about this for far too long so instead of downloading a program so that I can bring photos back to my blog (new computer, remember?)I'm going to sit on my couch and read about two tortured homo hicks...

Katie Couric

2006-04-09T22:40:00.000-04:00

Oh, who really cares? This story involves so many types I do not care for: Television Executives, Publicists (oh, sorry, I mean "media strategists"), Pundits, Katie's Wonder Bread fan base (who make Oprah's fan base look hardcore in comparison), Katie's annoying and ever extending family and on and on.

She bugs me. They all bug me but at least Barbara Walters is insecure, Diane Sawyer is open about her inner ice queen and --wait---it's not the 80s, there are no more. Cable news killed the Network news star. No more all star baby showers on Murphy Brown.

Katie only blew up after her husband died. She became like this sob-sister idol. And it all kind of happened simultaneous to celebrity culture emerging as the dominant form in this country.

Nobody watches the 6:00 news anymore, that's the real story. That and how are they going to try and make the 6:00 news more like "The Today Show." She has no gravitas. What a bore.

One week later

2006-04-08T23:49:00.000-04:00

OK, first off, I will get back to writing near daily again shortly. I just want to say that I just came off my first full week of real M-F work in more than 5 years, and certainly my first week of real work coming in from Brooklyn.

And the consensus: Shit, I'm tired.

It takes me an hour door to door each way, plus I like to get to work by 8:30, plus I must go to the gym near the office at least 3 mornings a week or I cannot function. So, I wake up at either 5 or 6AM depending on gym or not. As awful as 5AM is, the commute is actually better and I can get a seat.

It's also nice to be at a real, fully functional McGym again. Complete with cute polysyllabic guys. But that commute home is ugly. 3 trains and never a chance of sitting.

So, this week was exhausting as I got used to a new gym and a new schedule plus my new computer did not arrive until Tuesday.

Oh, yeah, and the job...

The Job. Hmmm. It is odd for me because it is the first time I have not started a job and either immediately been miserable or felt superior/hostile to everyone.

It is also the first time I have started a job with no fear. I did not make it sound like I could do things I had never done. I am very qualified and my biggest problem is going to be not moving too fast because I am a bit ahead of people there in terms of methodology and thinking process. I also don't want them to know how efficiently I work because then they will lay more on me.

I also have much more confidence coming into this job than ever before. Maturity. I have been through a lot over the last 10 years: The first 5 of those were career related---I had a job that moved at warp speed and I did everything there and had enormous professional growth and worked with some marketing legends. The second 5 were personal and involved death, 9/11, 2 extremely humbling jobs, big money highs and lows, and other sundry items. At this point I am more or less unflappable. Plus I have no interest in making friends and in who is nice/mean to me.

I am also amazed at the politics. I am from a collaborative business background. This place is like the cliché where I ask a question or present an idea and everyone looks at the CEO's reaction before they offer an opinion.

I think I need to chill a bit because my mind races and I see myself either outgrowing or running the company in a few months. It's kind of how I used to be about exercise: I wanted big muscles in 3 months and it does not work that way. Working out should be a lifetime thing and growth comes over years, not weeks and months.

It is really weird though because projects I worked on 5 years ago have still not reached this company. The upside is that I have done a lot of work in the past I can present as new. The downside is that they may not recognize certain ideas or ways of thinking as good.

Anyway, this weekend has been about chilling. I am so tired and I still woke up too early today. If I remember correctly I'll probably sleep great tonight and finally feel better tomorrow, just to start all over again...

Oh, and all my files are still trapped on the old computer. Annoying.

Young Guys on the Subway

2006-03-31T23:56:00.000-05:00

I never really used to be into younger guys but lately that seems to have changed. By younger I mean 18-23 or so. I think part of it is that where I live now guys in that age group really seem to respond to me and one thing I know about myself is that I tend to get attracted to people who are attracted to me. I’m not sure what that says about me, exactly, but it’s how it is.

I think I first noticed this phenomenon last August and September when I was taking the train from Manhattan to Brooklyn a lot to work on my house before I moved in. I would notice these cute, dark-haired young guys checking me out on the subway. I particularly remember two guys who were about a week apart but were both on the subway. With both of them I started to get hard when I realized they were casting glances my way. The more they looked, the harder I got. The cool thing about getting a big, wicked, obvious hard on while on the subway is that nobody will notice unless they are looking for just such a thing. So, I had fun being an exhibitionist with both these guys but it didn’t go anywhere.

That’s the rub. With guys that age you have to take control with the cruising and half the time they are afraid and will run off and the other half could be a case of be careful what you wish for. Some will not know what to do, some will fall in love and some will just be fast and sloppy. Not to mention in general, to be really good at cruising you have to always be on, always be ready, always be looking & always primed to seize an opportunity. I just don’t have the patience/interest anymore.

But, now that the weather is warmer, pheromones are floating again and I have been on the receiving end of some horny glances this last week and played the hard-on subway game with someone just today.

Personally, I’m not sure why these guys would be into someone 15-20 years older. They’re not & it’s just their nascent gaydar at work and they are just curious because there are not a lot of options around here. I don’t know. I have a semi-theory that the actual attraction has something to do with my looking like the quintessential local blue-collar ital/irish/german guy only one who is actually in shape unlike the reality of people here who seem to get fat before they hit 30. So maybe I look like the guy that they have been around their whole lives and has informed their fantasies. I don’t know.

But I do know when I sit their looking at them I think about fucking and I want to fuck them and I’d like to think that they can get a sense of that emanating from me.

Who knows what the future has in store? I never seem to see any of these boys twice but once is all I want anyway.

The Last Week

2006-03-30T22:42:00.001-05:00

Well, I am back, albeit in neutered form.

In a nutshell:

Last Friday I had a very long tedious day that involved getting a haircut and visiting the dentist and going to my office then I had to go to Magnolia where a bunch of assholes on line forced me to go to Billy's but before I got there some dumb queenb on the phone gave me an attitude and then I picked up my nephew and had a very nice night with the lad only to wake up on Saturday morning with no working computer.

Dell tech support told me it was my monitor so I walked 17 blocks to Staples to get a crap temporary monitor, lugged it home and...it was not the monitor.

Tech support for many more hours. Finally they ascertain that it is probably the motherboard. All the while they tell me that my hard drive is A-OK. They also tell me that I just need to buy migration software to import the old to the new. Then some snarky chicks in sales take advantage of my fragile state and contradict themselves many times until I finally take control and get off the phone. I was in too weakened a state to buy a new computer.

So, I eat something, get on a ladder and prime this cheap-ass wood frame on my skylight. I need to accomplish things and as this fiasco ruined my day I painted. Then at 7 my friend Carol came over and oohed and aahed at my place. She is Chines and hot and dressed like a school-girl which is kind of a played look but still novel to South Brooklyn.

So, we hung and talked and went to this Italian place and had to wait 40 minutes for a table. So typical but the place is a trip and there were lots of gooms to marvel at. There was a triple date next to us and the girls were wearing sleeveless and requested bread refills twice. I wish these kind of girls ruled the Conde Nast cafeteria.

So Carol told me all about her 9 weeks studying Yoga with Bikram and about how the owners of the yoga studio she teaches in called her at home to tell her they had 5 complaints about her class. Carol is old school, meaning tough, Eastern style teacher. We then got into this intense discussion about how so many people in classes are coddled and need to have their feelings and ego stroked and are so sensitive. They don't get the Eastern respect for and distance with the instructor. Fitness is about challenging yourself not being complacent.

Anyway, I was beat at 11:30 but she wanted to hang some more so she stayed until 12:30.

On Sunday I woke up at 7 and took the train to the UWS to meet my friend Ingrid and take her friend Sandy's spin class at the JCC which is quite the fierce facility. Afterwards we had one of these kind of days that I have not had since my mid-20s where you amble around and go to brunch and pick up people along the way. I was supposed to go out with my friend Norma that night but I was so tired so I went to my parents instead to use their computer, have a meal and get sent home in a car service. I figured Norma and I did a mutual blow-off. (Until 10PM Monday night when she texted me with: "What happened to you!?" Uh, I could text the same thing. Pretty straight girls who expect their gay friends to treat them like straight men have another thing coming.)

On Monday, I woke up to a text message from Carol informing me that the entire R line (my line) was in a shambles. Sure enough, she was correct. I also had the sinking icky realization that I may never see my hard drive files again which is too much to bear. Four years of photos, music, documents. I have amazing things on their. I will be very bummed if I cannot retrieve. For what it's worth I'm glad my good old manuscript is on a zip disc.

Monday I did go into the city to continue cleaning out my desk and to see if the fuck tech guy at work had resolved my contact list issues. He had not. That night I went to Park Slope to meet my friend Anna. She is a really successful lawyer and her husband is Mr. Mom and they have one kid and a dog and just bought the apartment next to theirs and made it into this 2000sf super apartment. It is in real Park Slope, too and is a like a Real Estate broker's wet dream.

I have known here since 7th grade. She was always really beautiful and from about 7th to 9th grade she was a total cunt to me and I was so awkward around her. I remember bumping into her desk in 8th grade and knocking some intricate pencil case of hers to the floor and she gave me this evil, impatient look.

I also remember she was friends with these really mean popular girls and they used to play Charlie's Angels in class and talk into their compacts like they were walkie-talkies.

Anyway, in about 9th/10th grade the mean girls gang totally fractured. There were 7 of them and 2 were alpha. 1 alpha girls started going out with this greaser-type guy and 2 of her friends joined. That left the other alpha girl and her 3 sidekicks. Anna was one of those sidekicks.

One day everything was peachy with them, then the next they ousted her. I'm still not sure what happened but I swept in. We became really good friends and even as our lives diverged we managed to get together once a year. That she has lived in Brooklyn for the last 8 years only makes it better.

Anyway, we had a very good time. Afterwards I walked back to her place and checked out the renovations. (Girlfriend is getting new windows punched into her place--major.) She also gave me some huge hammered copper pot her mother gave her a long time ago because she never cooks, it has never been used and because she is so friggin generous. Her husband and son were in Florida and at one point I did one of the "Can you believe this is our life?" things that you get to do with people you've known since childhood. It is weird. You spend adolescence wanting to be a grownup and then to be a grownup with people you have known since adolescence is cool.

Tuesday I went to my last lame work meeting. Then afterwards I stopped by my parents because I remembered I had left an old laptop of mine their years ago. I got it home.

It is slow. 64mb RAM. Windows 98. Probably built in 1999. It had a LAN card that needed one of those cables that I remeember throwing out before I moved. So I went to Staples to buy one and they do not make them anymore. So I found a new LAN card at home and tried to install the drivers. Then I spoke to road runner and went through this chain of local service to specialist to national help and the national help guy was awesome. He spent all this time with me and I accidentally hung up on him and...he called me back. I practically kissed him through the phone for calling me back. At that point he could have looked like anything and I would have gladly been his sex slave I was so grateful. But not for more than like an hour. Unless he was really hot. Damn, I've been so horny since this began. Well, my pal got me online and here I am.

I stole this computer from my old job in 2001. Then when I was displaced after 9/11 I took it with me to the empty apartment I stayed in. The Saturday after 9/11 their was a rumour that displaced people were being allowed to go into their homes to retrieve items. I remember piling onto a minibus and driving down the West Side Highway which was all closed below Canal. We drove on the pedestrian walkway next to the water and their were army tents and helicopters on the green. They parked near the Merril Lynch building and told us we had 15 minutes to get back or we would be arrested. I ran to my apartment with a duffle bag. It was like one of those Supermarket sweeps shows only it was my stuff. At my building the halls were pitch black and I had to go upstairs in the dark. I went into my apartment and got clothes and the computer and another pair of shoes. Then I locked up and left. It was one of the more incidents of a very stressful time.

Anyway, this is that computer.

Wednesday I needed some TLC so I went to the gym and finished my painting. I also called Dell to order the computer and that is when they told me that migration software will not work if the motherboard is friend which makes sense but is also a contradiction to what the first Dell crew told me. By the way, I actually tried to call those first Dell people back because I had her voicemail but they would not put me through to her. I ended up torturing some person on the phone for 20 minutes in some continuous loop. She finally took my name and number and said the supervisor would call me back and it never happened.

Today I went into the office and told me boss I was leaving. He was surprisingly cool about it. I left 30 minutes later and by the time I got home my email was cutoff. I'm psyched to be gone. One thing about my boss: he's a terrible manager. Yesterday a client came in and was talking to me for about 15 minutes. We were standing up. My boss passed by and gave me a look which I ignored. So 5 minutes later he passes by again and actually said "Can you guys take it in the conference room" as if I was talking to some friend. So I immediately introduced the client to my boss and said this is so and so who just bought the whatever product. My boss shakes his hand and does not introduce himself and walks away. He's an embarassment. All he cares about is keeping his desk empty and his pens color coordinated. The biggest decision I saw him make in the last year was deciding whether or not to hand the CEO a bottle of water with a loosened or unloosened top when she was speaking. He is a triumph of brown-nosing over merit.

Anyway, bitches, I am back. Albeit with a shitty computer and with a new, trying job starting Monday and with no Vicodin and with the possibility of all the sex-vids starring me wiped off my hard drive.

But at least I finally got my kitchen window treatment up today.

Fuck

2006-03-30T22:42:00.000-05:00

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

No Computer

2006-03-26T20:32:00.000-05:00

So here I am at my parents. I am supposed to be home enjoying my last week of freedom before work but the Tech Gods got pissed at me for making fun of the tech guy at work and Saturday morning I awoke to a fried motherboard (this was determined after 5 hours with Dell.) So, the trifecta is complete for this week:

1) Dead ipod
2) Dead Palm
3) Dead home computer

Fuck technology. How I am I supposed to get laid without the Internet.

Wish me luck. (On the new computer, not getting laid, that's not really a problem...)

It's a Wonderful Life

2006-03-24T23:39:00.000-05:00

So, I sent out this announcement to about 200 people I know via email with my news and new work info and I've gotten about 50 really nice replies. I feel kind of like "It's a Wonderful Life" because 2 months ago I was borderline suicidal and now I feel pretty good and all these people are writing nice stuff to me and shit. Being out of work or having a truly sucky job really is tough. I think besides an illness it is the hardest things to go through. People say you get jobs through connections and that may be true in some industries but it has done shit for me in my life. I know hundreds of people and not one had ever been able to help me find a job and it's very rare to even have someone offer up the name of a person to contact.

I think an important part of being happy in life is knowing which friends/family members can give you what and not to expect certain things from people who cannot give it. I had this really good friend named Tanya for 15 years. She was always the wacky chick and I was the stable one. I saw her burn through so many friends and it was always via some drama. She was always being persecuted. People were doing things to her. And on and on. I was extremely directly affected by 9/11. I lived right near there, was home that morning, thought I was going to die, and had to be out of my home for two months.

Tanya completely flaked out on me. I remember on September 14 I had just bounced from my friend's place on the UWS to an empty pad that belonged to a traveling friend of my Mom's. I was psyched to see Tanya as she lived right nearby. I needed to see her. She called and said she was bringing her new bf I had not yet met. I told her I was not up to meeting someone new and she flipped. She was so insecure she couldn't not do something without her boyfriend.

Then she chilled a bit but was distant. The last straw for her was her birthday which was mid October. I said I would go but at the last minute I had to go to Boston with my Mom because her sister had brain cancer and it looked like that was it.

Tanya flipped and said something like "You do everything your Mom says, don't you?"

I had this friend Arlene once who always put things succinctly. She would have said about Tanya: "Bitch is crazy."

Tanya wrote me this really mean email that I still have. I wrote her back the way you would write to a crazy person. Very carefully. And we never spoke again. This October will be 5 years. I can't say I don't miss her sometimes but my life is more stable without her. Maybe sometime in the next 5 years I will reach out. Who knows? I have trouble letting those sleeping dogs lay.

Friday

2006-03-24T23:18:00.000-05:00

I'm psyched this week is over. I'm beat. Today I went for a dental cleaning and the hygienist reprimanded me for not flossing enough. I hate flossing. Then I went back downtown to get my haircut and the woman who cuts me hair was sick so someone else cut it and it looks better than usual. It always looks better than usual when someone else cuts it.

Then I went to my office and the twerp tech guy still has not repaired my Outlook so it can once again sync with my Palm. All I care about is getting my contact list back on Palm. I hate these tech guys. None of them would have even had jobs 10 years ago. What they do is generally easy and everyone treats them like stars and panders to them. Half the time they just reboot.

Then I walked over to Magnolia to pick up some cupcakes for my nephew since he was coming over. Fucking Magnolia. It is no great shakes and there was a line of like 25 stupid tourists waiting to get in. There should be a line for locals and a line for tourists. People are such cattle.

So I skipped Magnolia. I had heard about Billy's but I wasn't sure where it was so I called 411, connected and pressed Billy's prompt for address. "184 Ninth Avenue." Well, where the fuck is that? So I called again and got a real person and asked for the address and would you believe this dumb queen sort of said in a sing-song voice, "It's 194 Ninth between 21st and 22nd, Now why didn't you just use the voice prompt?" He said it all half friendly but you know he really wanted to be full-out snotty. I hate people like that. Just be full-out snotty. What a pussy. So I said "Because 194 Ninth Avenue means nothing to me, nor to most anyone else." Then he said, "The streets are on the recording, I recorded it myself."

Of course they are not. I even called again later to check.

So, big achievement, like a big boy, I let it go. I said "Thank you very much" and hung up. In the past I would have picked a fight. But what a dumb queen. Someone's calling your stupid bakery and you have to give them attitude?

Anyway, I went to stupid Billy's and bought a dozen $1.75 cupcakes (all of which turned out to be on the stale side, thanks Billy.)

Then I went to ugly hideous Penn Station and bemoaned the loss of the original beautiful Penn Station as usual. The original Penn Station made Grand Central look ghetto and was quietly torn down in the mid-60s before New Yorkers had a chance to do anything about it.

Well, I got to the track just as my boy was getting off the train. He is 18 now and so handsome and so tall and so nice and mature. We took the train into Brooklyn, had dinner and talked for a while then some Upper East Side chick he knows sent a car down here to pick him up and take him back to her place. That's my boy, dating rich people is always better.

More Favorite Porn Stars

2006-03-24T01:06:00.000-05:00

Lon Flexx

I used to love this guy in the late 80s early 90s. He made this movie called "More than a Man" that was so hot. And another movie that I think was called "Tough Guys Do Dance" where his body was put to great use. Anyway, he's dead now like so many others.

Damn

2006-03-24T00:04:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to turn into one of these people who never posts, I swear, it's just been an insane week.

Anyway, I had a thought on the subway today. Our nation has evolved to a level of such success that people are now concerned primarily with their comfort, their appearance and how others perceive them.

It's embarassing. We are so successful and really have so few worries as a country that this is what it comes down to. We have the luxury of caring primarily about those things. Maybe it's human nature, I don't know, it's just sad that more people aren't concerned with the health and welfare of others less fortunate, either domestically or abroad. I don't mean to get all Mother Teresa because I certainly do little more than be a conscientious walker (meaning I get out of the way for old people and shit like that) and try to not take up too much room on the subway, but hell, I think that is probably more than a lot of people do.

I am so sick of people being so boring and predictable, too. Today I made the mortal error of walking into Whole Foods Union Square at 12:45. I went to grab my same Turkey Bacon sandwich I always get and then saw "The Line." It was frightening. It reminded me of the line to see Jaws in 1975. I put my sandwich down and left.

That is so stupid. What is wrong with these people? I remember when the WF opened in Chelsea in 2001 it was a Godsend. I would shop there once a week from way downtown and take the subway home laden with bags. Then, at some point in 2003 I saw some cel phone yakkin Ugg boot wearin chick in Whole Foods just taking up space-"I'm in Whole Foods! What? Where are you? What?"

I knew it was over. Time to leave. This girl at work told me she was in Trader Joe's Saturday and there was a line outside to get in. She went back Sunday and the cupboards were bare. She said it looked like Barney's Warehouse Sale back in the day. Actually, that was my metaphor,I said that, this girl is a new transplant from SoCal, she don't know 'bout Barney's Warehouse Sale BITD when it was cash only and you could get some phat shit. I remember one year when I was a fashion slut I spent about $600 there and added up the retail value in my apartment and it was $10,000. True confession: I worked there, so I also got an employee discount, that's why it was so cheap. That place was fun for a while and a gay boy's paradise. I remember this one salesguy used to give customers bjs in the fitting rooms.

Anyway, back to the food stores. These people need to get a life. I know my friend Mickey has a lot to say about the customers at Whole Foods, Citarella, Grace's, Zabar's, Balducci's, etc. I'll leave it to him.

I feel very post-post, been there, done that. I wish people would recognize how ridiculous their behavior is while still doing it. I mean I spent a solid year after 9/11 doing nothing but exercising and shopping. I was really shallow but I knew it was really shallow and ridiculous. I recognized that. It was OK that I was being shallow because I recognized it. Too many people don't recognize it or try to spin it. Case in point: My friend Katie wrote me this really long email about how she was leaving work and she was going to spend more time with her kids and she found a great gym and she was keeping her "babysitter" (I love that euphemism--call a spade a spade, it's a Nanny.)

So I wrote back and said something like:

You're leaving your job to spend more time with your kids but you're keeping your Nanny and plan on spening a lot of time at the gym. Face it sis, you're a trophy wife!

She has not written back yet.

Anyway, that's my rant. This week has been crazy and tomorrow is more of the same plus I pick up my nephew at Penn Station. Should be fun. Later.

Making Plans

2006-03-20T22:05:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm getting ready to go to prison because I am making/cramming all these plans for over the next two weeks with people I haven't seen in a while. But I am only starting work, not prison. I wish I had thought to get my knee done in January because that is going to be a real problem soon and I hate to start a new job and then be like "Uh, I need two weeks off." I have a Meniscus tear which needs to be fixed. It does not hurt if I do no weight bearing exercise but I live for weight bearing exercise so it always hurts. I went through 80 ES Vicodin in the last 6 months which I guess is not that many. Anyway, I am setting my self up for a really busy week or two and I intend to spend very little time at my current job. It is such a joy that my boss is on vacation this week. I'm going to clean out my desk until it is just a set and can be collapsed in 5 minutes, then tell him I'm leaving and leave. Psych.

Gym Theft

2006-03-20T21:51:00.000-05:00

Back in September, the locker at the gym I had belonged to for 6 years was broken into and some of the contents were stolen:

1) My jeans (my levis from 1984--having those stolen hurt, especially since they prolly ended up in a trash can.)

2) My cel phone (that sucked because I had to go through the hell of a replacement phone with no replacement phone insurance--I basically kept them on the phone until they knocked the price down to $199 (from $299) and gave me a $50 credit.

3) Keys for my old place and my new place, which I had not yet moved into yet.

4) A really nice key chain which had major sentimental value.

I knew this gym well and felt so comfortable there and although I knew that shit happened a lot, I was shocked it happened to me.

What made it worse was that it was the manager's 3rd day (gyms go through managers faster than Tara Reid can give sloppy blow-jobs to Jersey Shore boys)and all she could do was lament what was happening to her. To her.

What made it even worse than that (again) was that it was the 3rd robbery of the day. Wouldn't this dim wit have thought to warn people or at least post someone in the locker room after the second one?

Well, it was a bad day and I was doing renovations on my house and packing up my old place and getting ready to move and really stressed and I had to file a police report plus I had no pants. She gave me a pair of tiny tight shorts to wear home and I felt like a perv and looked like Peter Berlin.

Well, I knew the district manager because I had actually worked with her in another life and I started harassing her about "what are you going to do for me?"

I also was pretty damn sure who the culprit was which was another story.

She finally consented to give me 6 months free membership and I was actually pleased and surprised because I figured they would do nothing.

Well, I just got my bill and I was charged on March 1 for March which means I was comped for 3 months only.

I knew something was up. Sure enough, I called and she (the district manager) is gone. Goodbye.

Well, today I left a message for the new manager of the club and we'll see what happens...I want my 3 months.

Gyms are all about getting people to join but pay absolutley no attention to member retention. I worked in fitness for a while and it is an awful industry which is so sad because it attracts people who are very passionate about it which is a good start. But most fitness companies have very poor management and pay terribly and can never compete with schools or other institutions for good talent. One day I'll post more about that because I am an expert in gym culture, behind and in front of the curtains.

Ipod Death

2006-03-20T21:47:00.000-05:00

My 20GB ipod died today. It was just over a year old. That should not happen to products that cost $299.

I spoke to Apple support and had the pleasure of paying $50 to go through every possibel scenario to try and fix it with the techie and it still remains dead. My choices are to send it back to be repaired for $278 (!) or to buy a new one.

What a racket.

Sunday Night TV-Spoiler Alert

2006-03-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

Chloe

There is now officially to much on TV Sunday nights. I record "Sopranos," "The L Word," "Desperate Housewives" (Leave me alone---I have a thing for Richard Burgi) and I am giving that new creepy Mormon HBO show a chance mostly cause I heart Chloe Sevigny.

Anyway, "The L Word" killed Dana off which was kind of cool but the killing major characters thing is getting a little played. And I already am getting sucked into "The Sopranos"--I really do love that show, it is just head and shoulders above anything else on TV, kind of the way "Seinfeld" was like light years better than other sitcoms.

I wonder if it is true that Tony is dead and the whole show will now begin a year ago? I hope not. I don't like gimmicks much.

New Dallas

2006-03-17T23:20:00.000-05:00

Dallas

When I was a kid I loved Dallas. They were all so mean, and those names? Sue Ellen? JR? Miss. Ellie? Valene? I'll never forget JR gettin some good ole boys to go and beat up Valene and steal baby Lucy and hide her away on South Fork.

Anyway, why does contemporary Hollywood have to go and muck everything up? I have heard that that fat queen John Travolta and that pig JLo have been offered the roles of JR and Sue Ellen. And Shirley MacLaine, who apparently will do anything for a check, has signed on as Miss. Ellie. Wrong wrong wrong, so wrong. Didn't she learn anything from the travesty known as "Bewitched?" And since Robert Luketic is responsible for this future flop, one can only assumer it is a comedic reworking. Great. "The Stepford Wives," anyone? Hollywood really sucks. And Luketic's films are getting worse as time goes by: "Legally Blonde" was great fun, "Tad Hamilton" was sweet but didn't quite make it and "Monster-in-Law" just reeked so bad I turned it off after half an hour.

They should just leave "Dallas" alone...

Good Piece on Why Larry King Sucks

2006-03-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

The Wall Street Journal

March 15, 2006
THE SMALL SCREEN
By JOE FLINT

DOW JONES REPRINTS

Tabloid-Style 'Larry King Live'
Is Losing Viewers and Credibility
March 15, 2006

It has become increasingly clear that Larry King's best days at CNN are behind him.

Never known as a particularly deep interviewer, Mr. King at one time managed to land important politicians and newsmakers, giving his program some journalistic value. Today, though, the veteran host seems more interested in celebrities and crime, diminishing not only his own reputation and influence, but that of CNN as well.

And it shows in the ratings. The veteran host has seen his audience decline substantially in recent years as viewers gravitate toward more aggressive programs such as Fox News's "Hannity & Colmes." Fewer than one million people tune in each weeknight, on average, for "Larry King Live," according to Nielsen Media Research, down from 1.5 million three years ago. That's far behind "Hannity & Colmes," which leads cable news networks in the 9-10 p.m. hour with almost 1.6 million viewers.

And the viewers who remain part of the 72-year-old Mr. King's audience tend to be older (65, on average), and less wealthy (with a median income of $40,000), numbers that hold little appeal for advertisers intent on reaching younger, more-affluent consumers.

Mr. King's celebrity-oriented show also feels awkward sandwiched between Paula Zahn and Anderson Cooper's newsier programs. While neither of those shows is likely to invoke memories of Edward R. Murrow's "See It Now," both look like PBS documentaries next to Mr. King's hourlong softball fest. "His topics don't fit the rest of CNN," says Andrew Tyndall, an independent television news analyst. "He breaks up the entire flow of the evening."

The ratings problems would be less of an issue if Mr. King were delivering a hard-hitting show, but that isn't often the case. The show has dwelled almost exclusively on the famous and the infamous since Mr. King made Los Angeles his primary residence several years ago. It also is often the first stop for celebrities and politicians in hot water because they know they are unlikely to face tough questions.

But the real trouble is that Mr. King often appears disengaged. He seems to do little research before sitting down with guests. In interviews, he rarely strays from prepared questions, which means he misses the chance to probe his guests on the rare occasions when they say something revealing.

Mr. King's kid-gloves approach was on display during his recent interview with James Frey, author of the now-discredited memoir, "A Million Little Pieces." Mr. King's studio was the first place where Mr. Frey came to answer charges raised by Web site The Smoking Gun that the author had fabricated key parts of his book. Although there were many specific incidents from the book that had been challenged or disputed, Mr. King kept his questions so general that Mr. Frey was able to skirt the issue of whether his writing was truthful. (Oprah Winfrey phoned in during the show to offer a defense of Mr. Frey, a move she later regretted.)

Mr. King was equally ill-adept during an interview last week with Jermaine Jackson, the eldest brother of embattled pop star Michael Jackson. Jermaine Jackson appeared on Mr. King's show to refute a New York Daily News story that claimed he had been working on an unflattering, tell-all book about his brother. Mr. Jackson told Mr. King that after the story appeared, "Michael's people called me, and they asked me, was this true?" But instead of directly asking Jermaine Jackson why he didn't speak to his brother, Mr. King focused on tangential details. This was a fairly tabloid story, even by the standards of Mr. King's show, but as long as the host was devoting an hour to it, why not at least try to shed a light on what has to be one of the most bizarre families this side of "The House of Atreus?"

Even Mr. King's crime-theme shows -- a common fallback for news and talk shows looking for an easy way to fill time and attract viewers -- seem peripheral. Last week, he devoted part of his hourlong show to the murder of New York graduate student Imette St. Guillen, whose grisly killing has garnered widespread attention. One of his guests was forensic expert Henry Lee, who, since he isn't directly involved in this case, had nothing substantial to say. This was equally true of the other guests appearing on the show.

Lighter interviews aren't any easier to take. Mr. King often fails to detect nuance and irony in his guests' responses. When "Daily Show" host Jon Stewart appeared on the show days before the Academy Awards, Mr. King seemed outmatched by the comedian's sardonic humor. At one point, the host expressed genuine surprise that Mr. Stewart doesn't necessarily relish making fun of the failings of government. "Are you insane," was Mr. Stewart's response when Mr. King asked him if he wanted Medicare to fail. (Read a transcript1 of the interview.)

"One way you measure the quality of an interviewer is, can they listen to answers and form their next question based on what they hear," says Jay Rosen, a media critic who teaches at New York University's Department of Journalism.

Some people say that Mr. King, a longtime radio talk-show host before joining CNN, shouldn't be held to the same standards as other journalists. The trouble is, Mr. King, who occupies a prime-time slot on a channel that bills itself as all-news, doesn't even meet the standards of many daytime talk shows.

With three years left on his contract, Mr. King probably isn't likely to go away anytime soon. Yes, his interviewing skills, which were never going to be confused with those of Ted Koppel, have slipped with his ratings. And CNN executives surely are aware of the show's problems. But they also know that Mr. King still draws a bigger audience than any other show on the cable network, and that ratings in the time slot might be under pressure no matter who was in the host's chair.

CNN appears to be of two minds on what direction it wants to take, torn between branding itself as the network of hard news and analysis, and one where tabloid programming like "Larry King Live," and, on sister channel Headline News, Nancy Grace, garner top billing. (Ms. Grace is viewed by some as a potential successor to Mr. King.) If CNN pulls the plug on "Larry King Live," the network's ratings will likely fall. But the short-term loss could be worth the longer-term boost to CNN's credibility. If the network waits three years, it might be too late.

Sighting

2006-03-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

Paulie Walnuts

I was walking to my gym on Monday when I saw this guy that looked familiar. I thought, "he looks like the guy on The Sopranos, only more haggard." Then I realized, he is the guy on "The Sopranos" and he is haggard. None of this would be too spectacular except this was not Manhattan or even cool Ledger/Williams/Connelly Brooklyn, but deep middle-class Brooklyn.

Today

2006-03-17T22:11:00.000-05:00

So today I was sorta happy and shit and a lot of cool stuff happened, at least cool to me. I feel like I go through these periods sometimes (for a day or two or three) where my stars are aligned or something and good things happen and kind of lead from one to the other rapidly.

First my nephew called and said he was coming to NYC next weekend to stay with a friend and he wanted to know if I was free one night. I really like spending time with him and he is a senior in high school and it will not be long before I don't get to see him too often so I am psyched about that. It is also cool because his parents are total 90s parents and I know they did not tell him he had to see me because they never tell their kids they have to do anything so it is nice to know that he wants to see me because he wants to see me.

Then this recruiter-chick called about another job and it was nice to be wanted and listen to her description and tell her I had something else. Then this other HR chick from a job interview that went really well asked me to come back in to meet with some honcho next week and I am going to because you never fucking know...

I also found out that my current boss will be on vacation next week which is so cool because I can use next week to do nothing and quietly clear out my desk and when he gets back I can tell him I'm quitting and leave in 10 minutes.

Then I got called to do this really easy 1/2 hour former-smoker interview for some market research firm and they pay $150 which is cool because I like free $$$$.

And tomorrow my friend Ingrid is driving into big bad brooklyn to see me and take me out to dinner to celebrate.

And on and on and on.

So that's where my head is at.

I Got

2006-03-16T22:48:00.000-05:00

the job.

It's very rare that I am happy but right now I am. I can't quite believe it because I have become accustomed to not getting what I really want and disappointment is as familiar (and comfortable) as an old pair of slippers. I need to be alone now. But please remind me of this post in a few weeks when I'm complaining about this job.

Boring

2006-03-15T00:12:00.000-05:00

If you can't say anything nice...Well, I rarely can. And that's why I just want to say how much I hate some (some! not all) blogs. Particularly the kind that goes on and on and on and on. (Double-hate if it's people lamenting about being single. Boring. Nobody cares. And it's very easy to not be single, you just need to lower your standards.)

This should come as no surprise considering how critical I am of film, art, music, books, TV, etc. I also feel that everything creative that can be done has been done already and all that's left is art inspired by other art. I tend to see the source of that inspiration and feel that people should acknowledge it. And if they don't realize it, don't see the inspiration, then hell, they should not be doing it.

But, to my credit, when I like something I tend to love it.

HR Update

2006-03-14T23:53:00.000-05:00

I called that woman yesterday at 3:00 and she did not call me back until today at 6:00. I did not pick up. She left a cheerful message and said something to the effect of "call me first thing in the morning with the name and number of someone who could verify XXXXXX and I'll call myself and clear this up."

She must be totally anal retentive to care so much about a job I had 15 years ago. Anyway, I'm plotting my strategy with this one. I have a plan...

I also have an interview tomorrow that I am really looking forward to as there is no pressure since I contacted the president and he told HR to call me. That is the best kind of interview because in a way, they are pursuing you. The only problem is it is at 9:00 so I have to get up way earlier than I'm accustomed to.

1960s Music

2006-03-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

Young Mick

In my high school in the 80s a lot of the kids were poseurs and affected this thing for the 60s and wore tie-dyes and shit like that so, except for this thing for The Doors in 9th grade, I sort of ignored 1960s music for a long time. My sister was also a know-it-all product of the 60s and that sort of automatically made me not want to deal with it because she would always be correcting me and stuff.

Anyway, later in life I came to respect the 60s and feel a sense of nostalgia for a time I never experienced if that is even possible. I can't even imagine what it was like to have this new kind of music at your disposal at the time. It must have been so synonamous with being young and so perfectly attuned to the social changes going on. Listening to contemporary music must have felt like a rebellion in and of itself.

There's nothing like that today. Kids and their parents listen to the same music. What do kids do to rebel?

Anyway, back to the 60s. I think it all started with The Beach Boys, The Beatles, Motown and Bob Dylan and they all sort of begat all the other acts. The Kinks. The Rolling Stones. The Animals. The Byrds. The Lovin' Spoonful. The Mamas and The Papas. The Four Seasons. Burt Bacharach and Hal David's arrangements for Dionne Warwick. The Doors. Ike and Tina Turner.

There are so many more. I feel like I could explore 60s music for years and never reach the end of my interest. So many of these bands and songs are classics, but it's more than that: I think that this music is so linked with the political and social events of the 60s that you can't help but see a kaleidoscope of images when you listen: JFK, MLK, RFK, Watts Riots, Vietnam, LBJ, etc., and that is what makes it so moving to me.

5 60s Songs I just downloaded:

Heatwave-Martha and the Vandellas
Satisfaction-The Stones
God Only Knows-The Beach Boys
Anyone Who Had a Heart-Dionne Warwick
We Gotta Get Out of This Place-The Animals

My New Bathroom

2006-03-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

My New Bathroom

OK, It is done and I am tired. Today I installed the new sink, hung all the cabinets, installed all the hardware (towel bars, shelves, hooks, etc.) all while my drill died and I could not find my level.

But I am more or less done.

Tomorrow I get back to reality and call that HR twat...But whatever happens, they can't take my "new" bathroom away from me.

More Job BS

2006-03-11T23:25:00.000-05:00

I was all happy and shit Thursday night because I figured I was out of the danger zone with this job and that since the guy was giving me a start date I more or less had the job. I even went so far as to think about how I would leave my current job and I actually got out a calculator and figured out my weekly take home. I had not yet done this because I am superstitious.

Well, Friday in New York was warm and lovely and I was in a good mood so I walked up to the paint store and bought all my paint. I figured I had better do my bathroom this weekend since I have a room full of cabinets and hardware. I was going to head out to the gym at around 1:30.

Then, at 1:00 my contact called me and he was all nice and stuff but my heart sank because he wants me to call this woman in HR because there "must be some kind of mix up with one of my references and something with my education" and I "need to call her and clear it up." Basically, my resume is mostly true but certain dates have been changed to tell a clearer story, just like my education. No one needs to know I went to four undergraduate schools. Except, apparently, this human resources cunt. There’s a photo of her on the web site. She looks like she’s about 80.

I don’t get this. My brother works for a government agency. He was fully background checked going back to grade school. This is, quite frankly, some dumb sales & marketing firm. I hate HR people. They have nothing to do so they try to look for cracks in the armor? Meanwhile, I met with 3 VPs and the CEO and they all want me.

I’m not getting this job. I’m going to call this witch and and then I’m sure I’ll talk to my contact and say something to the effect of “It’s your call, I’m clearly made for this job” and leave it up to him. But I’m not going to get this job. They’re all a little buttoned-up and inert and odd and I can see my changing some dates being perceived as some kind of major integrity flaw.

This job reminds me of a house I loved and wanted to buy two years ago. There were so many problems. I saw the house several times. There were issues with the house’s title and liens. There was a court order suppressing the sale until the ownership was cleared up. It went on for 8 months. I kept saying if anyone can navigate this it will be me. This house will be mine. It eventually cost me a friendship because my friend’s boyfriend was acting as my attorney at the time and this was way over his head and we both got really made at each other and said nasty things. The kind of things you can’t take back like what Tony and Carmela Soprano said to each other. Part of the desperation was that there were literally no other houses I liked and house I did not like kept going up and the mortgage rate was fluctuating.

Finally, I found the house I am in now. But even then I still had feelings about the other house. I am finally over them. And, incidentally, the house is still unsold.

So, I think while this job sounds great and I can construct a fantasy around it and it will validate me to myself, it quite possibly is not the place for me. I already think that any job that spends over two weeks checking references is ridiculous.

But I was very upset and still am. I let it derail my day yesterday. I could not take it anymore so I got into bed until 4PM. Then I drank red wine all night.

But I was up at 7. The bathroom beckons. I went to the gym and did chest and shoulders since I missed Friday.

On my way home, this guy called me and he so wanted me to come over and fuck him. I met him online a few weeks ago and in a moment of weakness I gave him my number. He called and left messages twice. He sounds too too gay on the phone. Fuck you all. You know what I mean: “Hi Bart! It’s James. Remember?? Anyway, I was just thinking of you and-.” You get the picture.

Well, today I picked up and I said what’s up and he said something about being in bed waking up. Ew. I hate anyone first thing in the morning. But still, I got a hard on. But the bathroom called. Maybe I’ll see him some time. Only I’m afraid he’s going to be super-clingy. Why can’t a trick be a trick? Now I remember. This was the guy who I met on a hookup site but then he wanted to go to dinner and movie with me.

So, I emptied and took down all the cabinets. Took down all the hardware and stripped the room bare. Scraped and spackled. Primed. Painted the ceiling. Painted the wall. Painted the decorative plaster on the bottom part of the wall. Painted the molding. Then did it again. I’m damned tired.

Tomorrow I hang all the cabinets and install the hardware. Then clean up. I’m tired already. I think I’ll have some wine…

Hot Guido

2006-03-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

Jack Scalia

Damn, I miss a gym with a busy locker room and showers. I have to travel to go to one now. My current gym allows me no good glances and no opportunity for exhibitionism.

There are all these guido guys in my gym and it is so funny because they are like gay men with borough accents in the sense that they are so vain and into their bodies and hair and always checking out themselves and others.

Anyway, this one guy was in the gym today. I would put him at 25. Very strong. He was benching 180 and curling 75 and using the right form and everything. He had great arms and great definition and yet he still had that little layer of skin that I like. You know how some guys look like eco-skeletons cause they're so lean? Well, he had great definition but he still looked like he had the softest skin. And great skin it was, not a blemish on him and totally olive but the kind olive where you can still make out a blush when you call him handsome...

Anyway, he had thick, wavy, longer than typical hair but it totally worked though you know it was a lot of work to maintain. Great face, very handsome, like Jack Scalia in the late 70s when he was a model.

Well, I saw him in the locker room and some guys go through strange rituals because there is no shower. His involved stripping to his boxer briefs and cleaning in front of the sink:

Great body. Great definition on his shoulders and a chest with nice meaty pecs. No body hair but it looked natural. Solid quads and calves and his abs were firm but not much definition which you know kinda bothers him. Nice bobbing going on in his boxer briefs and I sensed some decent girth as opposed to length. Overall, he rated a solid 8.5 out of 10 in my book. He got me totally horny.

Job Update

2006-03-09T22:24:00.000-05:00

Last night I decided I was going to email my contact at this new job today and ask him what was up and lie and tell him I had another offer.

Well, he called me this morning before I had the chance to email him. I did not pick up but his message was very long and convoluted and said something about starting the 20th. No can do. He still owes me an offer letter plus I need to give two week's notice. I sent him an email tonight to that effect. You have to nip these things in the bud.

Likewise, instead of calling him back I called back the HR person at another company. I had sent the president of the company a great letter and resume and he gave it to HR with the words "looks interesting" scrawled on it. That's what she told me and that's what it is all about. Look interesting, cuz the competition is fierce.

Anyway, I'm going to see this chick next Wednesday and see what they have for me.

I'm pissed and that is motivating me.

Some Asshole's Grief Tips

2006-03-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

I subscribe to a few group email lists. One is a networking site and another is a bulletin board for all the people who work for my company (about 2000.) The work bulletin board constantly amazes me because people try to sell the shittiest shit for top dollar, always want recos for "cheap" things that should never be cheap ("looking for cheap doctor, cheap lawyer, cheap contractor"), pass along the dumbest scammiest information about puppies and sick children and ask the same work-related questions constantly.

The networking site is of a higher grade, but this week I received an email, the sheer hubris of which is mind-numbing. We've all known people who have died, sister, yet she's really offended by the things people say to her. I HATE people like this. She thinks her grief is worse than anyone else's yet she has the time to send around a grief tutorial. Here you go, in its entirety, save for names:

Dear Group,

I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not, but thought I would share it...
I just lost a very dear friend of 18 years very suddenly last week and have since been in the position to receive condolences. Although I know everyone means well, there are certain things that have been extraordinarily helpful and others that have served to exacerbate my grief. I just wanted to share some tips in how to deal with someone's loss of a loved one in the event that you're ever in the position to help console someone.

HELPFUL:
Say "I'm so sorry for your loss" - simple, true, and amazingly nice to hear.
Say "Is there anything I can do to help?" - often times, there isn't... but knowing someone is available to you is very comforting.
Talk about the person in the present tense so that their impact on the world is still real and tangible.
Talk about how that person positively affected your life, the world, etc.
Listen... just listen... don't try to fix or make it all better, because nothing can fix the loss.
Allow time for sadness and grief to be expressed.

NOT HELPFUL/DO NOT:
Say "You'll feel better soon" - uuuuuuuuggggh Say "They are in a better place" - the only place you want them is here with you now, regardless of your religious beliefs.
Talk about how life moves on... or say anything that would serve to try to fix or erase the loss. We all know that time will serve to lessen the pain, but when you're in the midst of experiencing it you want to be allowed to grieve and honor the person who was important to you, not sweep their death under the rug.
Say "How are you doing?" unless you are a very close friend or family member
- there really aren't words to explain how you're doing and it puts you on the spot and just doesn't help.

**There is no need at all to send any condolences my way after reading this!
I appreciate this community greatly and know that your thoughts are with me.

If you'd like to know my dear friend, you can get a sense of her on the website her sister XOXOXOX posted for her: www.XOXOXOXO.com Reading the guestbook of those who knew her showcases XOXOXOX's legacy of laughter, light and love. She was helping to raise her sister's son, beautiful little XOXOXOX, and if you're moved to donate to his college fund please do... I know the family could really use that help and support.

All best,
XOXOXOX