Mom & Dad
Today I went to visit my Mom and Dad to explain to them what has been going on at home. They already had some indication.
I care about them very much and enjoy spending time with them. My father and I are intellectually similar and we have very good conversations. My mother and I are emotionally similar and we have very good conversations.
I like the person I am and I owe a lot of it to them. They are quite unique as is our relationship. Of their three children, I am the only one who is and has always been a regular part of their lives and I know they appreciate that. My brother and sister have both missed out on a great deal by being semi-estranged from my Mom and Dad.
I was honest and frank with them and told them about what's going on with me, Dude, our issues with one another and our fears and anxieties. I told them about our "fight" on Sunday. I have to be very careful with that area of conversation, because I don't want to make Dude sound like too much of an ogre, since he is not. My parents like Dude a lot and he likes them a lot--they are certainly a fuck of a lot better than the gruesome twosome that comprised his parents--and the last thing I want to do is alienate them from one another.
But they are already talking about how when I have my surgery I should come stay with them. It's actually a good idea but it can never happen because Dude will be crushed that I and they think he cannot look after me. So, I'll think about that later.
Anyway, when I was going on about my anxieties I surprised myself by breaking down and crying/sobbing about how one of the reasons I really needed a new, "real" job is so I could have the financial independence required for me to decide whether I wanted to be with Dude or not.
I seriously cannot even think about that until some time has passed by. I mean, it doesn't have to be forever unless I want it to.
I was explaining to my Mom (who gets it because she is the same way) that if Dude died I would be very sad but my world would not be over. As a matter of fact, I highly doubt I would partner up again. "I did the relationship thing already" would be my attitude. Now, that's not to say I want him dead. Quite the opposite. It's just to illustrate that I am pragmatic. Dude, meanwhile, would be crushed beyond reason if I died. I really see him as needing me so deeply he can barely comprehend life without me. That is the difference between us in a nutshell.
Anyway, back to me. I was sobbing and blowing my nose and it felt good, cathartic. I've always felt better after a big emotional release. That and violence. If I can't hit something let me sob uncontrollably.
My parents were very supportive. I know they hate to see me in pain. My father immediately offered me money to help and wrote me a check for $2000. That made me cry more because I love him so much. The older I get the more I see that so many people are weird and cheap and odd and fucked up about money. And here he is (and they are not rich) just instantly writing me a check, no quesions asked.
I'm happy for the money in the sense that I need the money but it makes me really sad. I mean, all I want to do is just be on my own again financially. But I recognize that this is a bad time for me and I value the things I have that are good: my health, my parents and Dude.
I care about them very much and enjoy spending time with them. My father and I are intellectually similar and we have very good conversations. My mother and I are emotionally similar and we have very good conversations.
I like the person I am and I owe a lot of it to them. They are quite unique as is our relationship. Of their three children, I am the only one who is and has always been a regular part of their lives and I know they appreciate that. My brother and sister have both missed out on a great deal by being semi-estranged from my Mom and Dad.
I was honest and frank with them and told them about what's going on with me, Dude, our issues with one another and our fears and anxieties. I told them about our "fight" on Sunday. I have to be very careful with that area of conversation, because I don't want to make Dude sound like too much of an ogre, since he is not. My parents like Dude a lot and he likes them a lot--they are certainly a fuck of a lot better than the gruesome twosome that comprised his parents--and the last thing I want to do is alienate them from one another.
But they are already talking about how when I have my surgery I should come stay with them. It's actually a good idea but it can never happen because Dude will be crushed that I and they think he cannot look after me. So, I'll think about that later.
Anyway, when I was going on about my anxieties I surprised myself by breaking down and crying/sobbing about how one of the reasons I really needed a new, "real" job is so I could have the financial independence required for me to decide whether I wanted to be with Dude or not.
I seriously cannot even think about that until some time has passed by. I mean, it doesn't have to be forever unless I want it to.
I was explaining to my Mom (who gets it because she is the same way) that if Dude died I would be very sad but my world would not be over. As a matter of fact, I highly doubt I would partner up again. "I did the relationship thing already" would be my attitude. Now, that's not to say I want him dead. Quite the opposite. It's just to illustrate that I am pragmatic. Dude, meanwhile, would be crushed beyond reason if I died. I really see him as needing me so deeply he can barely comprehend life without me. That is the difference between us in a nutshell.
Anyway, back to me. I was sobbing and blowing my nose and it felt good, cathartic. I've always felt better after a big emotional release. That and violence. If I can't hit something let me sob uncontrollably.
My parents were very supportive. I know they hate to see me in pain. My father immediately offered me money to help and wrote me a check for $2000. That made me cry more because I love him so much. The older I get the more I see that so many people are weird and cheap and odd and fucked up about money. And here he is (and they are not rich) just instantly writing me a check, no quesions asked.
I'm happy for the money in the sense that I need the money but it makes me really sad. I mean, all I want to do is just be on my own again financially. But I recognize that this is a bad time for me and I value the things I have that are good: my health, my parents and Dude.
posted by Bart at 10:13 PM
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