Personal Trainers & Nephew Affection
I wrote this and was going to post it last night but (as usual) Blogger was having issues which I just don't get, but that's off topic...
Anyway, I thought maybe it was a sign because I was afraid that some of the material may be a little volatile. But screw it, as I said in my very first post, this is just me and I'll always be honest, so here goes...
Today ABC carpet delivered the new, old bedroom carpet. What I mean is, I had this cool, avocado-colored wool carpet in the old place and it was too big for the new. So (and I had done this before) I had ABC come and pick it up and re-size it. It’s really cheap, only $25 per cut but they insist on cleaning it, too, and that is where they rip you off. But bottom line: $300 and change for a 9 x 11 quality carpet cannot be beat (that’s right $50 to cut and $250 to clean.) Whatever. It looks awesome.
I went to the gym on the late side and it was a little more Guido than usual. This gym is such a throwback, it’s like the men and the women are totally segregated. My friend AMT and I joined a gym in 11th grade. The closest one at that time was 45 minutes away by car. I remember there was a women’s section and a men’s section, two completely different circuits. How weird is that? I have no idea what the thinking was then in fitness circles. I do remember she had machines for adductors and abductors but I did not.
Saturday is my bonus day at the gym meaning I do whatever I feel like. But I usually do chest and biceps and abs, classic guy muscles, we can’t help ourselves. I’ve gotten a lot stronger in my chest since I moved here (4 months ago.) I think it’s because I did not work out for a few weeks between moves and when I started again I was “weaker” and ended up using lighter weights and focusing much more on form. I also got into 1 arm dumb bell presses which are really cool. I do a lot of unique exercises in that gym and sometimes I see guys doing the same exercise and I know they are copying me because they all seem to do the same predictable shit at this gym. I don’t really care, it’s flattering and it happened at my old gym, too, except the guys in this new gym are very Alpha-Male. Even the trainers. Completely unfriendly and walk around with this swagger and deliberately have lots of near-misses as they walk by you, like they are daring you.
For instance, I was doing flys and this guy got too close to me on the next bench. All he had to do was move it three inches but he was aggressive. And when he was picking up weights he would walk just a little too close to me. And it was not sexual, it was, like I said before, a dare. As if he wanted me to say something to him and start something.
The trainers are unfriendly, too. Except for the two female trainers, they are cool and friendly. Figures. Women have fewer issues and are more practical about getting clients. Men have more issues, especially with other men. I was a trainer for about 15 minutes once and it’s all about talking to members. These trainers look at me like I’m some new animal in the jungle. They’re all puff-chested and noisy. Just dumb.
Anyway, my chest is getting really big which is kind of funny. I am now at the point where I can do 195 on the pec deck with one arm.
I need to pick up the cardio, though. I miss my old fitness classes and I miss spinning and I miss my knee not aching all the time.
Tonight we called Dude’s niece for her birthday. Her brother answered and informed us that they (his sister and parents) are out. Get this: she is 16 and wanted to go shopping, go to dinner and spend the night at a hotel with a girlfriend for her birthday so they are letting her. They are staying in a room there, too.
Parents today will do anything for their children. Anything. I can only imagine if I had such an impractical request at that age.
My parents were weird about gifts. They wouldn’t get me things that I knew they could afford because my father thought it was inappropriate that I should have some things that perhaps it took him a while to get for himself when he was younger.
For instance, I remember I really wanted a stereo one year and it was about $100. Well, I got gifts that totaled about $100 but no stereo. My mother got me a tiny little toy radio shaped like a stereo. I think she thought it was cute but I felt I was being mocked.
There were lots of instance like that. Then there were the strange dictates that would pop up. They were always so profound because my parents had so few rules, that when they all of a sudden randomly dropped one it was even more shocking:
1) The summer before Junior High began I had to choose a language. I chose French and they would not let me take French because they thought it would be too hard. It was ridiculous.
2) I used to watch TV late on Saturday night when I was in 7th and 8th grade. They had some movie they used to show at 11:30 and it was always good shit like “Rebel Without a Cause.” My parents came back from a party one night and at 12:20 told me I had to go to bed. In the middle of the movie. When I had been watching movies on Saturday night for weeks.
3) In 10th grade I had been hanging at my friend’s house down the block until about midnight for several Fridays in a row. On the one Friday we were going to secretly sneak into the city to see a concert (Rush) my father all of a sudden gave me a lame curfew. I went anyway and got home way late but they were asleep and did not notice.
I don’t know. Maybe they were seized by an urge to discipline me once in a while. Maybe they were afraid I would have issues like my brother. All I now is that they were completely inconsistent and at some point they threw up their hands and I just did whatever I wanted to do.
I was completely wild and out of control but never went off the deep end. By the time my senior year in high school rolled around I was going out 3-4 nights a week and going into the city on a regular basis. I used to keep an actual list of the drugs I had tried and the drugs I wanted to try. Part of what fueled this was that during the summer before my senior year my poor little old Aunt died and left me $5000. Nobody had any idea she had a cent. That was a lot of money then. Hell, I could use it now. Anyway, my Dad had me put it in a 6 month CD and it was freed up in March of my senior year. And, incidentally, March of that year is typically the time when the serious senior year partying begins. Don’t you know I went through every cent of that money on:
1) Coke and pot
2) Drinks
3) The City
4) Clothing and Records
5) Friends
Like I said before, what kind of parents let me have access to $5000 at 17? Why on Earth did they think I was responsible? I couldn’t have stereo but I could have $5000?
But I did have one of the more memorable senior years on record. By the time college rolled around I think I had $260 left.
Anyway, the niece’s 16 and in a hotel tonight and her brother is 18 and they’re no longer kids. That freaks me out. I love those kids so much. Not to choose favorites, but especially the boy.
I can understand how Moms kind of fall in love with their sons because I kind of fell in love with “E” when I first met him. He was such a puppy and I always wanted to cuddle him but he never wanted to be cuddled by anyone. He was such a smart and difficult kid and he always had a hundred people calling after him that he ignored people a lot, even as a 5 year old. He learned early on that playing hard to get works and I knew how to act to have him come to me. We were pals early on.
He was always so cute and when he was 12 and 13 he was bonfide handsome. Black hair, blue eyes, alabaster skin and 6 feet tall (I kid you not.) When he used to come to the city I swear I think strangers thought he was my boyfriend as he looked so old. He went a little crazy at that age with girls and sports and popularity. He was a real jock but never got mean. Then, magically, he changed. Totally non-conformist. Totally politically aware. Total Dubya hater. Dreds and anarchy and PETA etc. He’s cool. A little intense, but a cool, smart, loving kid.
I’m so glad he’s grown up because, like I said, I think I kind of fell in love with him once and loathe as I am to admit it thinking about him got me hard once or twice. Now, before I get sent hate mail let me say one thing: I would never do anything sexual with a kid. E looked older when he was a kid but even that wasn’t it. If I intellectualize it, I think it all has to do with what I posted about earlier regarding wanting male friends when I was a kid. I think when E was 11, 12, 13 he was just the kind of nice, handsome, jocky boy I would have wanted for a friend when I was the same age. Maybe that longing from childhood is mixed up with my sexuality. Maybe it’s why I’m most intensely attracted to dark-haired, blue-eyed boys with alabaster skin. When E came along and he looked the type physically and acted the part mentally.
There was only one fleeting dangerous time: I think E was about 11 and I think 11 is the age when boys fall in love most with other young men and are most curious about their bodies and sex. I know when I was 11 I was in love with Danny, a camp counselor I will never forget. Danny was in college, he had a beautiful body, he wore a Speedo, and he had a huge cock and used to talk to the campers naked with one leg up on a bench. To this day I can still masturbate thinking about him.
But back to E: He used to say the sweetest things to me like “We both have dark hair and blue eyes and a space between our teeth, that means we’re very similar.” That does not sound like much but the kid never said much to anyone else. I know he was a little in love with me. It was due to my personality and our bond but also I was a lot younger than anyone else around and I had muscles and a tattoo and was “cool.” But having a young boy “in love” with you is a big responsibility. One time, we were in the beach house and I was sitting on the couch and he jumped up and laid down and put his legs on my lap. I was reading and “absentmindedly” stroked his bare legs. We were all alone and it went on for several minutes and I knew it must have felt very sensual to him although it never went much beyond his knee. After a few minutes he silently got up in a flash and left. Maybe he was bored but more likely he was aroused and confused.
I used to have fantasies about him but they were always with an “older,” legal version of him. (And, today he doe not remotely resemble that older version.) In these fantasies, I left Dude and lived with E and everyone got used to it. Kind of like Peter Bogdanovich with Dorothy Stratten’s sister only Dude was still alive.
Wait. If I think back on those old fantasies, I think Dude died (!) which is how the whole thing got put in motion. I’m such a head case, I can’t even have a fantasy without a whole back-story… But back to E: The fantasy was absurd, naturally. If anything like that ever happened, I think the whole family would turn against me. Again, I think it was all about E filling some need I had had since I was 11 or 12, some need for a buddy.
Anyway, E is all grown up now and I haven’t had any weird fantasies about him in at least 5 years. That danger is long past. I want him to be happy and I would do anything for him. I love him and there are very few people I can say that about.
It’s after midnight and the big blizzard is beginning. Snow always makes me feel like a kid. I just want my Mom and Dad to tuck me in and make me feel safe.
Anyway, I thought maybe it was a sign because I was afraid that some of the material may be a little volatile. But screw it, as I said in my very first post, this is just me and I'll always be honest, so here goes...
Today ABC carpet delivered the new, old bedroom carpet. What I mean is, I had this cool, avocado-colored wool carpet in the old place and it was too big for the new. So (and I had done this before) I had ABC come and pick it up and re-size it. It’s really cheap, only $25 per cut but they insist on cleaning it, too, and that is where they rip you off. But bottom line: $300 and change for a 9 x 11 quality carpet cannot be beat (that’s right $50 to cut and $250 to clean.) Whatever. It looks awesome.
I went to the gym on the late side and it was a little more Guido than usual. This gym is such a throwback, it’s like the men and the women are totally segregated. My friend AMT and I joined a gym in 11th grade. The closest one at that time was 45 minutes away by car. I remember there was a women’s section and a men’s section, two completely different circuits. How weird is that? I have no idea what the thinking was then in fitness circles. I do remember she had machines for adductors and abductors but I did not.
Saturday is my bonus day at the gym meaning I do whatever I feel like. But I usually do chest and biceps and abs, classic guy muscles, we can’t help ourselves. I’ve gotten a lot stronger in my chest since I moved here (4 months ago.) I think it’s because I did not work out for a few weeks between moves and when I started again I was “weaker” and ended up using lighter weights and focusing much more on form. I also got into 1 arm dumb bell presses which are really cool. I do a lot of unique exercises in that gym and sometimes I see guys doing the same exercise and I know they are copying me because they all seem to do the same predictable shit at this gym. I don’t really care, it’s flattering and it happened at my old gym, too, except the guys in this new gym are very Alpha-Male. Even the trainers. Completely unfriendly and walk around with this swagger and deliberately have lots of near-misses as they walk by you, like they are daring you.
For instance, I was doing flys and this guy got too close to me on the next bench. All he had to do was move it three inches but he was aggressive. And when he was picking up weights he would walk just a little too close to me. And it was not sexual, it was, like I said before, a dare. As if he wanted me to say something to him and start something.
The trainers are unfriendly, too. Except for the two female trainers, they are cool and friendly. Figures. Women have fewer issues and are more practical about getting clients. Men have more issues, especially with other men. I was a trainer for about 15 minutes once and it’s all about talking to members. These trainers look at me like I’m some new animal in the jungle. They’re all puff-chested and noisy. Just dumb.
Anyway, my chest is getting really big which is kind of funny. I am now at the point where I can do 195 on the pec deck with one arm.
I need to pick up the cardio, though. I miss my old fitness classes and I miss spinning and I miss my knee not aching all the time.
Tonight we called Dude’s niece for her birthday. Her brother answered and informed us that they (his sister and parents) are out. Get this: she is 16 and wanted to go shopping, go to dinner and spend the night at a hotel with a girlfriend for her birthday so they are letting her. They are staying in a room there, too.
Parents today will do anything for their children. Anything. I can only imagine if I had such an impractical request at that age.
My parents were weird about gifts. They wouldn’t get me things that I knew they could afford because my father thought it was inappropriate that I should have some things that perhaps it took him a while to get for himself when he was younger.
For instance, I remember I really wanted a stereo one year and it was about $100. Well, I got gifts that totaled about $100 but no stereo. My mother got me a tiny little toy radio shaped like a stereo. I think she thought it was cute but I felt I was being mocked.
There were lots of instance like that. Then there were the strange dictates that would pop up. They were always so profound because my parents had so few rules, that when they all of a sudden randomly dropped one it was even more shocking:
1) The summer before Junior High began I had to choose a language. I chose French and they would not let me take French because they thought it would be too hard. It was ridiculous.
2) I used to watch TV late on Saturday night when I was in 7th and 8th grade. They had some movie they used to show at 11:30 and it was always good shit like “Rebel Without a Cause.” My parents came back from a party one night and at 12:20 told me I had to go to bed. In the middle of the movie. When I had been watching movies on Saturday night for weeks.
3) In 10th grade I had been hanging at my friend’s house down the block until about midnight for several Fridays in a row. On the one Friday we were going to secretly sneak into the city to see a concert (Rush) my father all of a sudden gave me a lame curfew. I went anyway and got home way late but they were asleep and did not notice.
I don’t know. Maybe they were seized by an urge to discipline me once in a while. Maybe they were afraid I would have issues like my brother. All I now is that they were completely inconsistent and at some point they threw up their hands and I just did whatever I wanted to do.
I was completely wild and out of control but never went off the deep end. By the time my senior year in high school rolled around I was going out 3-4 nights a week and going into the city on a regular basis. I used to keep an actual list of the drugs I had tried and the drugs I wanted to try. Part of what fueled this was that during the summer before my senior year my poor little old Aunt died and left me $5000. Nobody had any idea she had a cent. That was a lot of money then. Hell, I could use it now. Anyway, my Dad had me put it in a 6 month CD and it was freed up in March of my senior year. And, incidentally, March of that year is typically the time when the serious senior year partying begins. Don’t you know I went through every cent of that money on:
1) Coke and pot
2) Drinks
3) The City
4) Clothing and Records
5) Friends
Like I said before, what kind of parents let me have access to $5000 at 17? Why on Earth did they think I was responsible? I couldn’t have stereo but I could have $5000?
But I did have one of the more memorable senior years on record. By the time college rolled around I think I had $260 left.
Anyway, the niece’s 16 and in a hotel tonight and her brother is 18 and they’re no longer kids. That freaks me out. I love those kids so much. Not to choose favorites, but especially the boy.
I can understand how Moms kind of fall in love with their sons because I kind of fell in love with “E” when I first met him. He was such a puppy and I always wanted to cuddle him but he never wanted to be cuddled by anyone. He was such a smart and difficult kid and he always had a hundred people calling after him that he ignored people a lot, even as a 5 year old. He learned early on that playing hard to get works and I knew how to act to have him come to me. We were pals early on.
He was always so cute and when he was 12 and 13 he was bonfide handsome. Black hair, blue eyes, alabaster skin and 6 feet tall (I kid you not.) When he used to come to the city I swear I think strangers thought he was my boyfriend as he looked so old. He went a little crazy at that age with girls and sports and popularity. He was a real jock but never got mean. Then, magically, he changed. Totally non-conformist. Totally politically aware. Total Dubya hater. Dreds and anarchy and PETA etc. He’s cool. A little intense, but a cool, smart, loving kid.
I’m so glad he’s grown up because, like I said, I think I kind of fell in love with him once and loathe as I am to admit it thinking about him got me hard once or twice. Now, before I get sent hate mail let me say one thing: I would never do anything sexual with a kid. E looked older when he was a kid but even that wasn’t it. If I intellectualize it, I think it all has to do with what I posted about earlier regarding wanting male friends when I was a kid. I think when E was 11, 12, 13 he was just the kind of nice, handsome, jocky boy I would have wanted for a friend when I was the same age. Maybe that longing from childhood is mixed up with my sexuality. Maybe it’s why I’m most intensely attracted to dark-haired, blue-eyed boys with alabaster skin. When E came along and he looked the type physically and acted the part mentally.
There was only one fleeting dangerous time: I think E was about 11 and I think 11 is the age when boys fall in love most with other young men and are most curious about their bodies and sex. I know when I was 11 I was in love with Danny, a camp counselor I will never forget. Danny was in college, he had a beautiful body, he wore a Speedo, and he had a huge cock and used to talk to the campers naked with one leg up on a bench. To this day I can still masturbate thinking about him.
But back to E: He used to say the sweetest things to me like “We both have dark hair and blue eyes and a space between our teeth, that means we’re very similar.” That does not sound like much but the kid never said much to anyone else. I know he was a little in love with me. It was due to my personality and our bond but also I was a lot younger than anyone else around and I had muscles and a tattoo and was “cool.” But having a young boy “in love” with you is a big responsibility. One time, we were in the beach house and I was sitting on the couch and he jumped up and laid down and put his legs on my lap. I was reading and “absentmindedly” stroked his bare legs. We were all alone and it went on for several minutes and I knew it must have felt very sensual to him although it never went much beyond his knee. After a few minutes he silently got up in a flash and left. Maybe he was bored but more likely he was aroused and confused.
I used to have fantasies about him but they were always with an “older,” legal version of him. (And, today he doe not remotely resemble that older version.) In these fantasies, I left Dude and lived with E and everyone got used to it. Kind of like Peter Bogdanovich with Dorothy Stratten’s sister only Dude was still alive.
Wait. If I think back on those old fantasies, I think Dude died (!) which is how the whole thing got put in motion. I’m such a head case, I can’t even have a fantasy without a whole back-story… But back to E: The fantasy was absurd, naturally. If anything like that ever happened, I think the whole family would turn against me. Again, I think it was all about E filling some need I had had since I was 11 or 12, some need for a buddy.
Anyway, E is all grown up now and I haven’t had any weird fantasies about him in at least 5 years. That danger is long past. I want him to be happy and I would do anything for him. I love him and there are very few people I can say that about.
It’s after midnight and the big blizzard is beginning. Snow always makes me feel like a kid. I just want my Mom and Dad to tuck me in and make me feel safe.
posted by Bart at 4:47 PM
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