Permanent Escape
So, today I went into the office and it was just one of those days where it was abundantly clear that I should not be working where I am working. I already know that, but today I knew it a little more. Never is this clearer than during our weekly meetings on Tuesdays. It's a self-congratulatory love-fest meant to make people doing well feel good and people doing not-so-well feel bad. And all the while the office's director is looking at everyone and analyzing their facial expressions: you cannot look cynical or unhappy or even blank, you must look happy and animated and laugh and applaud in all the right places. It's fucking exhausting.
So I've been interviewing a lot. And of course that is horrible. HR people are the worst and they lie and they never get back to you. I really believe strongly that at least half the job openings in this country never get filled and it is just because HR people need to do something so they place ads and meet people and then something changes and there is no opening any more.
I've been after this one job and it's perfect for me. I've been meeting directly with the person I would report to and it's going well. Yet, something is wrong. I can't quite place it, but something stinks. He's supposed to call me tomorrow morning, we'll see.
I was waiting for the subway on the platform to go home tonight and I started falling into this trap I hate to fall into but do sometimes, the suicide fantasy. I just began imagining coasting in front of a train and it was very soothing to me. Then I felt bad because I knew it would mess up the commuters commute home. Now, before I get lectured, keep in mind I am not going to kill myself. It is a fantasy. A fantasy born of a need to make pain stop, to escape. But I realize I like the pleasures in life far too much to give them up.
But sometimes I comfort myself with thoughts of suicide. I know people have loved ones who have killed themselves and I know people who have done so. I don't pretend to know what they have gone through and I certainly do not mean to belittle it by talking about it like this, but this is how I feel and this is one of the things I think about. So sometimes when I lay in bed, I just think about being no more, ceasing to exist and it makes me happy. Then I think about how sad and mad people I care about would be and I snap out of it.
I believe it is just a reaction to a lot of anxiety because during the best of times I never thought about this kind of stuff.
On another note: again I deal with dyslexic responses to my personal ad. I clearly say "You host" and I clearly say "I'm looking for a hook-up, not a date." Well, this guy starts emailing me. He lives close by, he seems cool, I like his looks, his email personality then he writes..."Maybe we could even go to dinner and a movie and then back to your place?"
What's with these people?
So I've been interviewing a lot. And of course that is horrible. HR people are the worst and they lie and they never get back to you. I really believe strongly that at least half the job openings in this country never get filled and it is just because HR people need to do something so they place ads and meet people and then something changes and there is no opening any more.
I've been after this one job and it's perfect for me. I've been meeting directly with the person I would report to and it's going well. Yet, something is wrong. I can't quite place it, but something stinks. He's supposed to call me tomorrow morning, we'll see.
I was waiting for the subway on the platform to go home tonight and I started falling into this trap I hate to fall into but do sometimes, the suicide fantasy. I just began imagining coasting in front of a train and it was very soothing to me. Then I felt bad because I knew it would mess up the commuters commute home. Now, before I get lectured, keep in mind I am not going to kill myself. It is a fantasy. A fantasy born of a need to make pain stop, to escape. But I realize I like the pleasures in life far too much to give them up.
But sometimes I comfort myself with thoughts of suicide. I know people have loved ones who have killed themselves and I know people who have done so. I don't pretend to know what they have gone through and I certainly do not mean to belittle it by talking about it like this, but this is how I feel and this is one of the things I think about. So sometimes when I lay in bed, I just think about being no more, ceasing to exist and it makes me happy. Then I think about how sad and mad people I care about would be and I snap out of it.
I believe it is just a reaction to a lot of anxiety because during the best of times I never thought about this kind of stuff.
On another note: again I deal with dyslexic responses to my personal ad. I clearly say "You host" and I clearly say "I'm looking for a hook-up, not a date." Well, this guy starts emailing me. He lives close by, he seems cool, I like his looks, his email personality then he writes..."Maybe we could even go to dinner and a movie and then back to your place?"
What's with these people?
posted by Bart at 10:56 PM
3 Comments:
Bart, you still have too much of a journey in life to experience.....you must stick around and enjoy the ride, and to see how it all turns out.....I hope you get that job you are going for (the job market is so competitive now in most fields because the economy has been so bad), I am sure once you are out of that nightmare of a job you are in now, and into the one you really want, you will find life will be so much more enjoyable.......Best of wishes for you my friend!
This is a brilliant, honest post. I think many people fantasize about suicide at different times and for different reasons but as long as they - and you - can comprehend hte distinction between the fantasy and the reality, there is nothing to be too concerned about. Nor is there anything to be ashamed about. Good luck with your blog - it's great so far.
On the hook up: I've concluded that some men can't read or they just stay in their fantasies and project those on everyone.
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