Gay Men: Hook Ups

My Best Trick Ever (circa 2002)

This is the first in my series on gay men. Tonight I look at Internet Hook Ups.

It should be so easy, it really should. Dozens of sites, thousands of profiles, digital photos, blackberries and other wireless devices...You should be walking around and treat sex like a latte at Starbucks: "I'm in SoHo and I feel like a blowjob by a redhead--let me see who's around."

But it is so hard to get heard through the clutter and people have so many issues.

1)There are pic-traders who have no intention of ever meeting and just want your photos.

2)There are those who feel that "something better will come along" and they keep looking and looking to the point of inertia.

3)There are those who romanticize the whole process and seem to forget that it is all about sex.

4)There are those with dozens of rules ("No Asians, Weekends, Leather, Smoking, Foreskins or Polydactyls.)

But then lets say you find someone and it seems mutual. First, there is the host vs travel dilemma. Most who insist on hosting are not doing it because they don't feel like traveling, they are doing it so they can shut a door in someone's face if they don't like them in person.

Then, if you actually manage to meet, you run the risk of a few realities:

1) You may be rejected.

2) He may be not as advertised.

3) You may have bad sex.

#1 should not happen, but it does. Case in point: Me. I have a great body, a big dick, a decent face and a butch demeanor. My pix and profiles are very accurate. I also know what I like to do in bed and am clear about that. Last summer, I met someone who did not really look like his picture. Shorter, squatter and a bit "hey dude-ish" for me. But that was OK. I can change gears fast. I like sex. Enough said. But then he threw me for a loop: "I'm just not feeling it," he said. I was a little surprised and a little amused (wasn't I supposed to be rejecting him?) but no hard feelings and I went on my way.

That is the problem in a nutshell. These sites are about having sex. Not "feeling it" doesn't matter, all your supposed to feel is my cock in your ass.

#2 does not bother me so much. Most people put their most flattering photos up so of course they look different in person. I think too many people fill in the blanks with the wrong information and fetishize photos so when they meet they are disappointed.

What does bother me is gross misrepresentation. Don't be 30 lbs overweight. Don't have a photo with a hot crew cut and then I see you and you're all Fabio.

#3 is a problem. Why do so many gay men think they are so good at sex when all so many can do is suck your cock too fast then flip over? Good sex is about knowing what you like to do and have done to you. It's about being comfortable with your desires and with your body. And for me, it's about a little lead time. A little talking, kissing, making out before we get to the main attraction.

I was with someone recently who claimed it would be "mutual fun." Kiss, make-out, JO, oral, maybe fuck. The reality was he ripped my pants off within 60 seconds of meeting and blew me like he was blowing up the M&M float at the Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was baaaad. I barely got hard I hated it so much. I tried to kiss him and he gave me his neck. Pass. And that's all he wanted. Just to fulfill his selfish fantasy of giving a nearly anonymous BJ. If he'd told me beforehand, I would have passed. Be honest, people.

But I still have hope. My profiles are now firmer and I try to vet people a little more. I'm still chasing the dragon:

My first Internet hook up was the best. We vid-cammed (see photo above) for about a month before it happened so we knew each other well physically. He was friendly and clean and hot as hell in person and he felt the same way about me. He was hook-up etiquette to a "T." 5 minutes of talk, 10 of hot and heavy kissing, then 45 of awesome, mind-blowing mutual jo and oral. He was just my type: dark hair, blue eyes, alabaster skin, lean body and a dick like a beer can. What fun. Then we cleaned up, talked for a few and it was "adios." They should all be so good.

Bottom line: Street cruising is better. Too many people online are stifled by some concept of perfection: if they don't have it, they are insecure about themselves and stymied, and if their potential hook-up doesn't have it, they are insecure about what it says about them.

It's about good, hot, convenient sex. Fast Food. No nutritional value but should be good while you're doing it.