Gay Men: Profile Text & Pix

Typical Gay Male Profile Photo?

I've been viewing a lot of online profiles lately and some things really stand out and bother me.

-A&F: If you're over 25, don't go in the store or wear the clothes. You're too old and look pathetic and/or creepy.

-Cock Size: Don't talk inches, just post a photo. Too many people lie or just don't use the universal method of measuring. A photo takes care of the problem. If it looks big enough, it probably is.

-Age: 90% of every gay profile is 3 - 5 years older than they say they are. I do get it, though, cuz you need to have some parameters when searching and if you're 25 you may cut it off at 40 when there's a perfectly hot 42 year old out there who will not show up in your search unless he says he's 37. I like the guys who do not list their age, I think that is cool.

-Looks: "VGL" or "Been told I'm rather attractive." Two sides of the same coin. The VGLs are to be avoided because people you want to spend time with just do not classify themselves as "VGL." It's just arrogant and a little creepy. Likewise, the "Been tolds" strike me as very insecure and lacking in humour. The kind of guy you meet and he's like "What? What do you mean by that??" Again, dude, you posted a photo, I think I can tell if I think you're good looking or not.

-Pretentious Descriptions: You know the type well.
-----Career: "International Banking"
-----Fave Location: "Helsinki & Santiago"
-----Fave Vaction Spot: "Seychelles & Majorca"
-----Activities: "Spelunking & Fencing (Épeé)"
-----Fave TV Show: "Do not have a Television"
Do I really need to expand? These types are usually "VGL" by the way.

-Boys/Boyz/Bois: Not unlike the A&F issue, you are not a boy any more unless you are under 18 in which case you probably should not have a profile. I can maybe accept it in casual conversation but really only accept it in mothers from whom it is perfectly acceptable to refer to their 30-something sons as "boys" as in "I'm so excited, the boys both are coming home for Thanksgiving!"

Bush Bashing: Don't say you hate Dubya unless you are prepared to explain why. And saying something like "Because he, uh, hates gays" is just not a good answer. There are, quite frankly, hundreds of reasons to hate Bush but they involve having at least a fundamental understanding of politics, government and current events. In other words, don't hate him because everyone else hates him. (Doing something because everyone else is doing it is why you got an iPod.) Understand why you hate him, then you can publicly hate him.

Glamour Photos: Back in the day, hearing "I don't have a scanner" on AOL chat was a legitimate excuse for not having a pic. But now, between phones, vid-cams, digital cams and yes, even scanners, everyone has many many photos. However, all of this cheap digital equipment has put hundreds of would-be photographers into the business of taking boudoir photos of gay men to use on their profile.

I have a problem with this on so many levels.

1)If the photos are too damned good and you look too polished and God-like you are going to be a major disappointment to whomever you meet. Shadows, lighting, angles, etc. do wonders for people (that's why so many stars are so scary/icky in person.) Why not have a normal photo and look better in person?

2)Too many men look too creepy and posed and cutesey. I don't want to see you looking coquettishly over your shoulder, like some girly cheesecake photo of Betty Grable. It kind of makes me think you're a big flaming queen. Like, you may be, but let me find out in person. In other words, when I'm licking your balls I appreciate that they are shaved but I don't want to think about you all soaped up with your razor in the tub grooming.

3)A lot of these photographers suck and make some people look bad. I bet a lot of them do it for practice, kicks and the occasional blow job and of course there are hundreds of insecure gay men that feed right into it: "What? You think I'm hot and want to photograph me? Of course, I'll be right over!"

My advice? Take pics of yourself. Use the mirror, the timer, a tripod, a scanner--whatever. Everything does not have to be so rehearsed all the time. Reality is sexier than image.

So, anyway, that's my take on the profiles I have seen recently. I've left a lot out (like those who write descriptions that go-on-for-many-many-paragraphs and then chirp at the end "well, if you've come this far, you probably like what you read so far!" No, I'm just shocked and awed that somebody can write so much drivel...) but I'll revisit this subject again cuz I like it so much.