Headshot
I need to have headshots done. I need them for work but the photog they use makes everyone look like Richard Avedon without the brilliance, just bad skin and wrinkles all around...
Anyway, they said I could go elsewhere but I have an ulterior motive: I want headshots for my fledgling commercial career, too.
I don't know why I am pursuing this except that I am bored. I need to stir the pot. I expect I will be like this my entire life.
I've been thinking a bit about life lately. Uh oh. I mean I love getting smarter as I get older but I kind of realize more so lately that I am going to die. I think part of what brought this on is my mother. As she ages, she seems so filled with pain and regret about things that happened over the last 70 (!) years. She is tortured. I think I am doing much better than she. My father, meanwhile, is the opposite: complete denial and a frustrating attitide of bon ami as if nothing bad ever happened. (He lost both parents and 4 brothers and 1 sister before he was even 35 so I have no idea where that came from.)
So, do I have regrets? Yes. But I want to move on because there is nothing I can do about them. But here are some:
Education: I never took it seriously for a million reasons. But it is crucial and if you can get a quality college education it means you can get a quality graduate education and that is key. It has caused me enormous problems in life and if I can do it over again, I would. (To give myself some credit here, my parents helped fuck me up with this one.)
Having balls when I was younger: If I had the guts then that I have know. I was so busy partying when I was in my early 20s I let so many opportunities slip through my fingers. Plus, I had an aversion to hard work, plus I had a need for Bourgeois things. I should have taken some more chances when I was younger.
That's really about it and I guess for that I am lucky. As for now: I am not afraid. I have a boss who is afraid, paralyzed by fear and it embarasses me to watch. I have no respect for him whatsoever. What is there to be so afraid of? Jesus Christ, it's just work. I think for me, I had such crucial changes over the last few years: as far as fear, I stood in my doorframe the morning of 9/11 waiting with my eyes closed to feel the impact of a WTC tower on my building as it buried me in rubble. Didn't happen obviously, but that 30 seconds or so was real fear.
So what do I want? I don't know, but I am getting closer to finding out. I still want, crave and enjoy recognition and praise. I am so easy to please/manipulate. Tell me I have good ideas, tell me I'm smart, tell me I'm attractive, that's all it takes. There's a dyke at work and I adore her because...she adores me. Gives me tons of credit, tells me I'm so great, tells me I have big muscles. I swear to god this muncher read the manual on me.
I think I want to be CEO of my company someday. I intend to start aiming high as I have not before. So we'll see. But I'm sure I'll get bored with that someday, too, should I get it. Just my nature.
Anyway, they said I could go elsewhere but I have an ulterior motive: I want headshots for my fledgling commercial career, too.
I don't know why I am pursuing this except that I am bored. I need to stir the pot. I expect I will be like this my entire life.
I've been thinking a bit about life lately. Uh oh. I mean I love getting smarter as I get older but I kind of realize more so lately that I am going to die. I think part of what brought this on is my mother. As she ages, she seems so filled with pain and regret about things that happened over the last 70 (!) years. She is tortured. I think I am doing much better than she. My father, meanwhile, is the opposite: complete denial and a frustrating attitide of bon ami as if nothing bad ever happened. (He lost both parents and 4 brothers and 1 sister before he was even 35 so I have no idea where that came from.)
So, do I have regrets? Yes. But I want to move on because there is nothing I can do about them. But here are some:
Education: I never took it seriously for a million reasons. But it is crucial and if you can get a quality college education it means you can get a quality graduate education and that is key. It has caused me enormous problems in life and if I can do it over again, I would. (To give myself some credit here, my parents helped fuck me up with this one.)
Having balls when I was younger: If I had the guts then that I have know. I was so busy partying when I was in my early 20s I let so many opportunities slip through my fingers. Plus, I had an aversion to hard work, plus I had a need for Bourgeois things. I should have taken some more chances when I was younger.
That's really about it and I guess for that I am lucky. As for now: I am not afraid. I have a boss who is afraid, paralyzed by fear and it embarasses me to watch. I have no respect for him whatsoever. What is there to be so afraid of? Jesus Christ, it's just work. I think for me, I had such crucial changes over the last few years: as far as fear, I stood in my doorframe the morning of 9/11 waiting with my eyes closed to feel the impact of a WTC tower on my building as it buried me in rubble. Didn't happen obviously, but that 30 seconds or so was real fear.
So what do I want? I don't know, but I am getting closer to finding out. I still want, crave and enjoy recognition and praise. I am so easy to please/manipulate. Tell me I have good ideas, tell me I'm smart, tell me I'm attractive, that's all it takes. There's a dyke at work and I adore her because...she adores me. Gives me tons of credit, tells me I'm so great, tells me I have big muscles. I swear to god this muncher read the manual on me.
I think I want to be CEO of my company someday. I intend to start aiming high as I have not before. So we'll see. But I'm sure I'll get bored with that someday, too, should I get it. Just my nature.
posted by Bart at 10:50 PM
3 Comments:
YOU FUCKING COCK!!!!I have not even read your entry...yet this was going to be my new beginning. I swear.I quit my job today...I was going to look for a 12 midnite to 7 job and hopefully be on The Soprano's (my cuz Ray is little Carmine) we were seperated at birth, Bart. BTW today is my birthday
Love to Mom and Dad (hah)
Seriously. Enough is enough. We were destined to meet. 15 minutes. Coffee. Place of your choice (i hate hot bevs, but I'll make an allowment).
I think we are "Twin Sons of Different Mothers"
Don't disappoint me.
P.S. I know you have a ton of shit going on, but c'mon. A half hour.
Now I am Stalking (heh)
Bart...my heart was racing with each sentence I read. I am...at the same point in my life as yours, my Mom is at the same point. It's frigging surreal.
From the day I saw "The Soprano's" I was like; I have to be on that show. I was living in L.A.
I'm just going to do what makes me happy.
I kinda like the wrinkly old people Avedon pics. by the way. Sam Shepard with all his ciggerette wrinkles. I'm sure you would have come out looking great. I LOVE that you want a different photog...hysterical. Hey, Annie L. is available.
Later Man
Much Love
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