Wake me up in January
I am getting older and I am going to die.
Of course, this is not exactly a revelation but I think I am having a minor mid-life crisis. I am filled with a sense of regret at things not done, squandered opportunities. But it is tempered by a sense of profound accomplishment. I am self-made. And that expression slays me because my mom used to say it proudly about my dad. She meant he had no breaks, no education and he did well for himself. The irony is, they did nothing for me. They gave me no breaks, no education. My parents seemed to operate oblivious to the changing world around them. And such downers: You can't do that. You're not very good looking so you better work on your mind. And constantly making fun of me: something I said, misprounounced, wanted to be, wanted to see, listen to, read.
So, it's a wonder I came out of it. My good old ego got me through it. But sometimes my ego falters.
1) I look older. I don't want to change it. I think cosmetic surgery etc. is dumb. But I look a little haggard. I can't quite figure out why. I looked better two years ago and it's not just because I was younger.
2) I can't decide whether I am happy in my life or not. I am so easily bored. The best thing about my getting younger is that I become a little less manic as time goes by.
3) I can't decide whether I should strive for some new experience or whether I should just pursue a kind of unaware pleasure.
4) I realize that I do so few things with my friends etc. that when I see them I really value them. I have people I love dearly whom I see only every 5 or so years.
5) I think my parents destroyed me in some way. They thought they were doing a good job but it's almost as if I have spent years trying to become the person I always should have been if not for my mother's over-protection and domination.
6) I am angry with my parents. I thought I let all of this anger go, but their incident with me brought it all up.
7) I can do absolutelu anything I set my mind to. I have proven that time and again. But I tend to do things to prove I can do them. Once I have it I move on.
8) When you know you can do anything, it opens you up to deciding what you want...
9) Again, what do I want? I no longer want fame or money or things like that. I no longer feel the need to impact the world at large, to have strangers say he's so great or I want to be him.
10) I think what I want is to impact the people I work with and relate with.
11) If I am with this job a year from now, I will be there in 15 years and be CEO.
12) If I leave this job a year from now, I will take a job that doubles my salary. AKA sell out. I don't necessarily want that, it depends on how this job goes.
13) I have family coming over next weekend. I have family coming on Thanksgiving. I am going to go insane with them.
14) I have so much time to think. I think this is the advantage I have over people with children. When you have children you don't have time to think and time flies by.
15) I do not want children. I know this gay male couple with children. Adopted from foreign countries. That defeats the purpose for me. If I ever had a child I want it to have my genes. Ego. Anyway, I am very suspicious of gay men who want children. I don't think men have a paternal instinct. I think they just like the idea of little thems running around. Anyway, this couple---one makes the $$$ and the other is a "stay at home Dad." Gag me. I hate those fucking expressions. Anyway, this dude totally comes on to me all the time. He's seen me naked at the gym and he wants to blow me. I know these things. I am not a prude, but I think that is so gross. Cheat on your partner, fine. But you go through all this trouble and expense to adopt two kids because family is so important to you and then you want to go and act like a cliche fag and blow me in the steam room? Gross.
16) Anyway, not having kids and having a job is making me a little bored. I thought I would fall off the wagon and become a drunk again but that became boring after one night. And drinks got really expensive in the 6 years I've been sober. Fuck. I thought I would try to become an exercise junkie again but I did that to the nth degree before already. So what's left? I guess I can try and relax...I dunno. I really do feel like putting all my energy into work. Whatever. I'm getting exasperated. I'm going to watch some TV.
Of course, this is not exactly a revelation but I think I am having a minor mid-life crisis. I am filled with a sense of regret at things not done, squandered opportunities. But it is tempered by a sense of profound accomplishment. I am self-made. And that expression slays me because my mom used to say it proudly about my dad. She meant he had no breaks, no education and he did well for himself. The irony is, they did nothing for me. They gave me no breaks, no education. My parents seemed to operate oblivious to the changing world around them. And such downers: You can't do that. You're not very good looking so you better work on your mind. And constantly making fun of me: something I said, misprounounced, wanted to be, wanted to see, listen to, read.
So, it's a wonder I came out of it. My good old ego got me through it. But sometimes my ego falters.
1) I look older. I don't want to change it. I think cosmetic surgery etc. is dumb. But I look a little haggard. I can't quite figure out why. I looked better two years ago and it's not just because I was younger.
2) I can't decide whether I am happy in my life or not. I am so easily bored. The best thing about my getting younger is that I become a little less manic as time goes by.
3) I can't decide whether I should strive for some new experience or whether I should just pursue a kind of unaware pleasure.
4) I realize that I do so few things with my friends etc. that when I see them I really value them. I have people I love dearly whom I see only every 5 or so years.
5) I think my parents destroyed me in some way. They thought they were doing a good job but it's almost as if I have spent years trying to become the person I always should have been if not for my mother's over-protection and domination.
6) I am angry with my parents. I thought I let all of this anger go, but their incident with me brought it all up.
7) I can do absolutelu anything I set my mind to. I have proven that time and again. But I tend to do things to prove I can do them. Once I have it I move on.
8) When you know you can do anything, it opens you up to deciding what you want...
9) Again, what do I want? I no longer want fame or money or things like that. I no longer feel the need to impact the world at large, to have strangers say he's so great or I want to be him.
10) I think what I want is to impact the people I work with and relate with.
11) If I am with this job a year from now, I will be there in 15 years and be CEO.
12) If I leave this job a year from now, I will take a job that doubles my salary. AKA sell out. I don't necessarily want that, it depends on how this job goes.
13) I have family coming over next weekend. I have family coming on Thanksgiving. I am going to go insane with them.
14) I have so much time to think. I think this is the advantage I have over people with children. When you have children you don't have time to think and time flies by.
15) I do not want children. I know this gay male couple with children. Adopted from foreign countries. That defeats the purpose for me. If I ever had a child I want it to have my genes. Ego. Anyway, I am very suspicious of gay men who want children. I don't think men have a paternal instinct. I think they just like the idea of little thems running around. Anyway, this couple---one makes the $$$ and the other is a "stay at home Dad." Gag me. I hate those fucking expressions. Anyway, this dude totally comes on to me all the time. He's seen me naked at the gym and he wants to blow me. I know these things. I am not a prude, but I think that is so gross. Cheat on your partner, fine. But you go through all this trouble and expense to adopt two kids because family is so important to you and then you want to go and act like a cliche fag and blow me in the steam room? Gross.
16) Anyway, not having kids and having a job is making me a little bored. I thought I would fall off the wagon and become a drunk again but that became boring after one night. And drinks got really expensive in the 6 years I've been sober. Fuck. I thought I would try to become an exercise junkie again but I did that to the nth degree before already. So what's left? I guess I can try and relax...I dunno. I really do feel like putting all my energy into work. Whatever. I'm getting exasperated. I'm going to watch some TV.
posted by Bart at 10:37 PM
6 Comments:
Why not work on your PhD? You're never to old for that and it's an accomplishment that can't be taken away.
I fucking miss you Bart!
My life has been so fucked up, grad school is killing me and rednecks are driving me crazy. So, crazy I'm switching my program in January.
Are you the "Bart" that has been posting on datalounge?
I bet you look fine, haggard, it's just the change of season making you feel that way. Go out and get laid by some young guy that will make you feel better. How old are you anyway?
Which guy wanted to blow you in the steamroom, the bread winner or the stay at home dad?
Hey Michael,
Nice to see you. No, it's not me posting elsewhere. I'm 39. It was the stay-at-home Dad. Slut.
Where r u that you have redneck issues?
God, i love this fucking guy.
I live in Morgantown, West Virginia, I thought I told you that, I grew up here and Tampa,Florida, lived in DC after graduating from college (Horticulture/Entomology), came back to go to Grad school like an idiot.
The school is packed with rednecks many of them are hot, but most of them are just assholes. I study environmental management, so it is loaded with rednecks.
My boyfriend works for the US Dept. of Forestry. We meet when I took a part-time job with them identifying plants. He can get a job any where, but for some reason he loves it here.
I knew you were going to say the stay at home guy. What a great dad.
Why the hate Mickey?
Michael, you probably did tell me but I forgot. West Virginia. Shudder. Do you know that I keep a map of the US on my bulletin board at work precisely so I can locate where states like West Virginia are? Today, I found out that Idaho touches Washington. I was incredulous when the travel agent told me. ("Drive from Spokane to Idaho? What? Doesn't that take 3 or 4 days?")
Anyway, sounds like you have an interesting career and that's cool that your beau works for DoF, of course I'm picturing a forest ranger but he's probably a scientist.
The stay at home Dad sometimes accidentally ccs me on emails which is so weird. I was cc'd on an email to his father and father's wife (I gathered) thanking them for the "lovely weekend at the country house" and agreeing that the "restored church was lovely." Too bourgeois for words. I felt like replying all and saying "after you tuck the kids in, come pray at the church between my leg, ho bag" but I didn't.
Don't mind Mickey, he doesn't hate you, he was talking about me.
That's funny Bart, I had no idea what state was above Illinois and had to look on the map. (Wisconsin by the way) My boyfriend thought I was a moron and still makes fun of me. He thinks it's funny to tell people when we are out or at parties.
West Virginia is awful, but from a plant perspective it is very interesting. It has plants that grow in all climates and many plants that can't be found anywhere else. The native plant species are very unique and quite beautiful. Native plants are my field of specialty, so West Virginia does have an advantage there, but it still fucking sucks.
It's only 2 1/2 hours from DC, so we can get the hell out of here and get to civilization on a regular bases. I don't care how much my boyfriend likes it here when I'm finished with this program we are going back to DC.
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