It's Official

I'm getting bored again. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't seem to be happy unless I'm striving, unless I'm unhappy. Work is fine. People like me. My job is secure for now. But I am incapable of saying "isn't that good, why don't I enjoy life for a while." No, instead I get bored, I get antsy, I crave some conflict. This is what drives me to mix drugs and sleep with strangers and exercise until I am throbbing. Not that I'm doing any of those things right now, no, instead I am sitting here wondering what's next?

I'm feeling very mortal lately. Feeling older. Looking older. It's nice in some ways. I feel wise. I like being ignored by teenagers. I like being attracted to 50 year olds (but I will not forget the 20 year olds.) I like not caring about "MySpace." I like the fact that I had a lifetime before the Internet. I like that my whole generation watched reruns of The Brady Bunch. I don't think stuff like that happens anymore. TV reaches a fraction of what it used to and they don't show the reruns in order. I like that back in the day you knew the last BB episode had Greg graduating from high school with the hair disaster and it was always followed the next day by the first episode with Mike and Carol marrying. And on and on.

What I don't like is being tired a lot and having both knees ache and finding it harder to eat what I used to and burn off what I used to. But I do like that I have changed a lot from when I was younger. I'm less shallow and more confident. I can have sex with men who have some extra weight. It doesn't bother me. It makes me feel more relaxed. When I was younger I had to try and have sex with perfect looking men so I could convince myself it elevated me. Now I don't care so much about looks, it's more about sparks, it's more about the potential for good sex, for a connection however brief.

I'm looking forward to the long weekend. I want to sleep a lot. But I know I wont.

synaesthesia

Just when I discovered Veoh and it turned into a cool, free, retro to 1995-Internet site--days of unregulation and free porn--it gets shut down--at least the fun adult stuff. But I managed to download enough to keep my hands busy for a while.

Anyway, work is going fine. Only I have made some alarming discoveries. A lot of people I work with are not very smart, not very engaged in their work. There is one woman who is quite smart but she is very inexperienced in her role. The other thing is that the people who run the company are not that smart either. I feel like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby only I have just discovered that all of them are a little dopey as opposed to witches.

I think it is one of the final frontiers of wisdom to realize that the people you work for can be dumb. I mean it should be obvious--look at the President--but somehow it is engrained in me to think that people in high ranking positions must be good at their jobs. But it is not true.

I'll tell you, it give me mixed feelings. On one hand I feel like I'm not going to learn much except how to be patient and how to manage office politics better. On the other hand, I feel good because I feel pretty damn smart. It can be empowering but it is also depressing.

But I should clarify this dumbness as it is a crude word and there are several species roaming free in my new world:

1) Lazy. In over his head. Wanted a job to coast through that he had no skills for so he hired someone (hmmm) to make himself look better
2) Does acceptable work but has no natural curiousity about the world or how he can do his job better.
3) Almost there but disconnects at the point where we should be connecting,
4) So caught up in administrative tasks that there is no way she will learn new things.
5) Very experienced in his niche but has been insulated from the outside world by working at the company too long (25 years)

So that's the work thing.

On the home front, let's see:

1) I painted these horrible guest room closet doors white. It took a coat of primer and 4 coats of semi-gloss but the faux wood look is now history.

2) I am having a new Andersen window and patio door installed if my contractor ever gets his fat ass over here.

3) The torrential rains of June nearly destroyed my window box flowers but they are looking better.

4) I wrote cunty letters to the CEOs of Baker furniture, Brooks Brothers and Smith & Hawken because they all suck in their own way.

5) The AC in my house is so cold. Apartment ACs suck. I have never been this freezing. It is awesome.

6) I saw a guy at my gym I met on a Web site. I think he recognizes me too. I'm so sick of making the first move.

7) Ditto. Guy at my gym kept checking me out and checking me out. When I finally started talking to him about the rain, he got all scared.

8) Two or three days a week there is one guy on the subway that does it for me. Not the same guy, but different guys. The NY Times had an article about how some people's dopamine is out of whack. These are the people who are prone to excessive behavior and will throw reason out the window. These people are also the ones who can become addicted to sex and have cravings for it. This is so me. Sometimes I see a guy I am attracted to and it is like I am eating. I swear watching him feels like the satisfaction I get from a good meal. Maybe I have synaesthesia. That's how it was with this guy last Monday. He was just my type. 27 or 28, 5 9, dark hair, Italian, nice smooth face, big shoulders, small waist, but very natural looking. He was checking me out but I never know if guys are checking me out because they are attracted to me or because I have a big chest and shoulders and they are just doing a straight guy comparison/could I take him? kinda thing. But I really wanted him. I kept thinking about fucking him that I got the biggest boner and I had to think about my grandma laying in the casket to make it go down. That's what my morning commute is like. Behind these sleepy brown eyes are images of me fucking ass alternated with images of a 90 year old Italian prune in a coffin.

Since I'm too lazy

too write you an email and you turned off comments:

http://thecoolstore.blogspot.com/2006/06/dorff-doffs-dungarees-dick-display.html

There's nothing like movei marketers riling up the gay masses by dropping some lies about size. We're so easy to agitate. I think the first incidence of targeted, dick-size pre-release buzz marketing was back when Chris O'Donnell was cast as Robin in Batman and Robin and my hairdresser was beside himself: "I have a friend who has a friend who knows the costumer and says he is huge!"

As for Dorf, isn't he like 5'6" and 120 lbs? Wouldn't just about any size dick look big on that frame?

Charity Event

I went to a big charity event I go to every year. My friend is on the board so she invited me gratis because the tickets cost like a grand.

Anyway, last year I met Vin Diesel and almost came in my pants because he was so nice and so not a meathead and he was short and muscly (my favorite combo) and had a deep sexy voice.

This year I got to meet Bobby Cannavale who is friggin tall (6'5"?) and handsome/ugly kind like Nic Cage used to be. He is very nice and he brought Annabella Sciora who was very nice and extremely hot and the two of them were a very sexy couple. She is 100x better looking in person. On screen she looks a little jowly and thick browed to me but she was very sexy and has great skin.

There were some other B list stars there like Marisa Tomei (who has a lot of fans but I find her dull) but my favorite was Mariah Carey who is in her own fucking world. Told us all that she wouldn't speak long as she knew we wanted to eat our dinner (uh, Mariah, we finished eating an hour ago) and she generally came off as living on another planet. She is proudly zaftig though which I dig.

I am so not into the lean thing anymore. That whole Aniston tan tricep look is so dull. And I'm sick of men becoming big heads on lean/scrawny bodies. Boring. The lead boy on The OC is the latest to join the ranks of the recently converted to no carbs/no sugar. Eat some pasta, dude.

Sopranos

I am enjoying the Sopranos this season (or as some say, The SoPRAHnos, c'mon, pronounce it like a Guinea, not like fucking Madge for crissakes)but I think David Chase has a secret mission: get us to hate the show so we will not miss it when it is gone.

What I mean is this year more than ever I am seeing the ugliness and violence and selfishness of these people. All of them. I feel like Chase is doing tough love on the audience, telling us it's time to stop watching, get outta the house and get a job.

This season has been vile. They are all a bunch of animals. I can't believe when I was in high school and went out with the mafia princess (who's Dad had a separate house for his collection of 30 cars, no kidding) I used to daydream about being mafia boy. Of course all mafia dads want their girls to marry doctors but that's another story.

Anyway, a lot of dumb fucks out there still fantasize about the life. I don't. I don't know what I fantasize about actually. Now that I have a job I like and am making some money I will probably focus on something shallow like getting really cut again. I dunno. I am feeling nostalgic.

My nephew graduated from HS today and there are lots of proms in my 'hood tonight. It makes me reminisce about proms and senior year and beach trips and hanging and partying and friends and and most importantly the mix of fear excitement and anticipation of the future.

My future seems fairly predictable right now and that is kind of boring. I don't know. I guess I have always been looking for something or someone to make me lose control and become irresponsible.

Ann Coulter

I think the 911 widows can be a bit much sometimes as well, but Ann Coulter is a cunt.

I don't care if "she wants publicity," if "she really doesn't mean it," etc. She has actually managed to make herself as famous as she will ever be and permanently marginalize herself at the same time.

It's indelible now, her obituary will read "Ann Coulter, who openly criticized 9/11 victims..." and nobody wants that. She blew it for herself. Kind of like Bill Maher. I adore Bill Maher but after his too soon after 9/11 comments he also managed to marginalize himself. HBO is HBO and the networks are the networks. I like his HBO show and think the lack of boundaries suits him, but he blew it, too.

One more thing about Ann Coulter. She's a hag and that speaks volumes about her fans. Anybody who has ever spent any time on the hill knows that she's considered hot because the hill is not filled with a bunch of lookers...